


this christmas i gave you my heart

by plutomurphy



Category: Happiest Season (2020), The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Blood and Injury, Christmas, Christmas Decorations, Christmas Eve, Christmas Fluff, Crying, Drinking, Emetophobia, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Home for Christmas, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Meeting the Parents, New Year's Eve, Panic Attacks, Secret Relationship, Sibling Rivalry, The 100 - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:00:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28461276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plutomurphy/pseuds/plutomurphy
Summary: “My um- my family.” Bellamy paused, not wanting to say those six horrible words that he knew would make Murphy upset.“Your family?” Murphy repeated.Bellamy took a deep breath, preparing to rip off the stupid, stupid band-aid. Then, with the sudden static of the Christmas music on the radio, he ripped it off. “My family doesn’t know we’re together.”-After his boyfriend invites him to go home with him for the holidays, John Murphy plans to propose at his family's annual Christmas Eve party. However, his plans are upended when he discovers that Bellamy hasn't yet come out to his conservative mother or anyone back in his hometown. (aka: a murphamy fic loosely based on the movie "happiest season")
Relationships: Aurora Blake & Bellamy Blake, Aurora Blake & Bellamy Blake & Octavia Blake, Aurora Blake & Octavia Blake, Bellamy Blake & Gina Martin, Bellamy Blake & John Murphy, Bellamy Blake & Octavia Blake, Bellamy Blake/Gina Martin, Bellamy Blake/John Murphy, Clarke Griffin & John Murphy, Clarke Griffin & Raven Reyes, Clarke Griffin/Raven Reyes, John Murphy & Raven Reyes, Lexa & John Murphy (The 100), Octavia Blake & Lincoln, Octavia Blake/Lincoln
Comments: 7
Kudos: 31





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone and happy new year ! i only wrote this fanfic in a couple of days so bear with me i know it's not my best work I just really wanted to write a christmas murphamy fit before the end of the year so here u go :) 
> 
> OH and very important thing - this is based on the hulu original movie "happiest season" i did change some things such as the ending and overall pacing and placement of events so that it made sense with which characters were filling which roles and also so that this fic didn't end up being so long that i couldn't post it until 2021 
> 
> please let me know what u think in the comments if u want to i always appreciate any feedback !! u can also follow me on twitter or instagram both with the same user as on here @plutomurphy

“Murphy,” Bellamy said in a hushed voice. The bedroom was illuminated by the reflection of the moonlight against falling snow after Bellamy pushed open the curtains, hoping the light would wake his sleeping boyfriend. “Murphy!” he said again. 

“Mmm,” Murphy whined, rolling over to put his head in against the pillow. 

“Wake up! I want to show you something!” Bellamy said, pushing the comforter off of Murphy’s body. 

“Can’t this wait until morning?” Murphy asked, sitting up to push messy hair out of his face. His eyes were half-lidded and his posture was sagging, in high contrast to the wild look in Bellamy’s eyes as he stared out the window.

“Nope! Just put some pants on I’ll go get your coat,” Bellamy chirped with a smile. 

“Fine. But only because you’re making me food tomorrow.”

“I’m making you food tomorrow?” Bellamy asked. Murphy gave him a bored look that said “do you want me to get out of our nice, warm, safe bed? or not?” and Bellamy seemed to understand this because he responded with, “I’m making you food tomorrow. C’mon! Let’s go!”

Leaving the comfort of the apartment in pajamas, coats, hats, gloves, and shoes, Bellamy led Murphy out of their quaint brownstone home and down a couple houses until they were at a darkened alleyway. “If you’re planning on murdering me, this really isn't the best place to do it. You’d actually be better off doing it right in our living room- or in the bathroom- less clean up.”

“Shut up Murphy. I’m not murdering you.”

“At least if I was dead I wouldn’t have to be out in the cold at two in the morning,” Murphy grumbled, kicking a piece of ice with the toe of his shoe. 

“We’re almost there,” Bellamy promised. He held Murphy’s gloved hand in his just a little bit tighter as they walked through the familiar streets of Polis, their home and where they had first started dating. Bellamy had only lived in Polis for about two years and Murphy for only a matter of months, but it was perfect, and had everything they needed because all they needed was each other. 

Finally, they arrived at the town’s main street, and though the stores were closed and the sidewalks were empty, the street withheld their usual liveliness. It was the time of year once again when the town put up their Christmas lights. And when Polis decorated, they  _ decorated _ . 

“Holy shit,” Murphy said with a chuckle. “You weren’t lying when you said Polis went all out for the holidays.”

“Isn’t it amazing?” Bellamy said in awe. Murphy looked over at him and couldn’t fight the way the corners of his lips quirked up when he saw the sparkling red and green in Bellamy’s amber-colored irises. 

“How’d you know they were putting them up tonight?” Murphy asked. 

“They normally put them up about two weeks before Christmas and I can see the street from our bedroom window so I’ve been checking. I wanted to take you to see them after everything was closed because you’ve never seen the Polis lights before.” Murphy just kept smiling at Bellamy, so hard that it was starting to hurt in fact. “What?” Bellamy chuckled. 

“I love you,” Murphy said quietly. “Thank you for forcing me out to see this. The lights are beautiful.”

“You’re more beautiful,” Bellamy said, kissing Murphy’s cheek. Bellamy pulled on his hand to encourage Murphy to keep walking down the street with him. 

“You know I’m really surprised that you haven’t made any of your anti-Christmas speeches yet,” Bellamy said, swinging Murphy’s arm with his as they walked. 

“I don’t hate Christmas  _ that _ much.”

“I wish you didn’t hate Christmas at all,” Bellamy said with a pout, plopping his head down on Murphy’s shoulder. “But I understand why you do, and it’s okay. I just hope that eventually, I can help you like it a little bit more.” 

“Well this definitely makes it a lot harder for me to hate Christmas,” Murphy said, looking at the lights twinkling all around them. 

Murphy felt a lot like he did when he first met Bellamy in that moment. Same smile, same butterflies in his stomach, and the Christmas lights around them looked as if the stars had fallen from the sky and landed on the rooftops and windowsills of Polis.

Bellamy grinned mischievously, letting go of Murphy’s hand and running off to a nearby pile of fresh, fluffy snow. “Y’know they didn’t have lights like this back when I used to live on the farm,” Murphy continued. “But there was always a lot of snow to have snowb-”

Murphy was cut off, coincidentally, by a tightly rolled ball of snow. Murphy scoffed, reaching to rub the snow off of where it had hit his shoulder. “Well that wasn’t very nice,” Murphy said with a smile tugging at his lips. “You really don’t wanna do this. You don’t know who you’re messing with.”

Bellamy threw another snowball, this time hitting Murphy square in the face. “I think I’ll take my chances.”

The two boys spent the next twenty minutes sending violent snowballs hurtling towards the other. At first glance, you wouldn’t expect the two of them to be lovesick over each other, but that was just how they were. 

Lexa had a hard time believing that Murphy didn’t hate Bellamy’s guts when she first went out to dinner with the two of them for the mandatory “meet the boyfriend” ritual, but eventually, she grew to understand. 

The two of them were fiery on their own, so when they came together it wasn’t surprising that explosions, fireworks, and sparks were the result. Bellamy and Murphy wouldn’t want it to be any other way. 

“I- totally- won-” Murphy said, his harsh breaths creating a white fog in front of his lips. Bellamy laid down on the icy sidewalk, also out of breath, and gripped the back of Murphy’s coat to take Murphy down with him. 

“If I tell you that you won will you stop throwing ice at my face?” Bellamy asked. Murphy nodded with his head against the frozen cement, still out of breath. “Your highness,” Bellamy said, sitting up on one knee to bow to Murphy. 

“You’re an idiot,” Murphy said with a smile. 

“You’re an idiot-er,” Bellamy responded, moving to be on top of Murphy, straddling Murphy’s hips with his knees. 

“Just proved my-,” Murphy started but was cut off with Bellamy planting a kiss on his lips, then on his nose, his forehead, and all over his face. 

“Bellamy,” Murphy groaned.

“What? I’m just awarding the winner of our duel with his prize,” Bellamy said against Murphy’s lips. 

“Oh are you?”

“You want me to stop?” 

Even in the darkness, Murphy’s blush was made visible by a combination of the Christmas lights and the moon reflecting on the snow beneath them. When Murphy said nothing, Bellamy leaned back down to connect lips with his boyfriend once again, this time instead of quick pecks the kiss was soft and slow. 

When they stopped, Bellamy sat up from where he hovered above Murphy so he could better look at him. Murphy followed him in sitting up, reaching to wipe the snow off of the soft gray hat on his head. 

“Come home with me for Christmas,” Bellamy blurted out suddenly. Murphy gave him an incredulous look. 

“Are you sure?” Murphy asked. 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“Y’know I’m not exactly good with parents,” Murphy said. “I know you only have one which you would think would take some of the pressure off but it actually raises the stakes because at least with two I’d have a shot of one of them liking me but with just one it’s a one hundred percent guarantee that they’ll hate-”

“-Murphy, you’re spiraling,” Bellamy said. He took both of Murphy’s gloved hands in his and looked into Murphy’s cerulean eyes. 

“You’ve- you’ve never talked about taking me to meet your family before?” Murphy said. “So then why… now?”

“Because I want you to,” Bellamy said. Murphy looked at the ground hesitantly, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “Please?” 

With a small sigh, Murphy looked back up at Bellamy. He wanted to say no, but Bellamy had that little-kid-on-Christmas-morning slash puppy-who’s-owner-just-got-home look on his face and that stupid, lovable smile on his lips. “Okay.”

“Really?”

“Yes Bell,” Murphy said. “I would love to go home with you for Christmas.”

-

“-And then he asked me to go home with him for Christmas!” Murphy said, chewing on his blueberry muffin. 

“Really? I thought Bellamy was kind of secretive about his family stuff,” Lexa said, leaning back in her chair. 

“I know I’m as shocked as you are, but I don’t know, I’m kind of excited. I haven’t really done anything for Christmas since my parents died.”

“Hey! We do stuff!”

“Eating Chinese food while we watch Elf every year is not ' stuff' Lexa,” Murphy said rolling his eyes. 

“Don’t insult our amazing traditions! You’re already ditching me!” 

“I am not ditching you! You’re my only friend but that does not go both ways. You have an entire group of cool lesbian friends you can hang out with,” Murphy said. “But if you really don’t want me to go-”

“-No, no, no you should go Murphy. This is a big deal! Meeting the family and all,” Lexa said. “Isn’t this your first boyfriend to invite you home for the holidays!”

“Mhmm,” Murphy hummed as he chewed on more of his muffin. 

Lexa smiled at him. “I’m really proud of you Murphy.”

“Oh fuck off with that sappy shit. I get enough of it from Bellamy,” Murphy said. 

“I am though! I never thought I’d see the day where you were actually excited for Christmas. Not only that but excited to meet your boyfriend’s family? What have you done with the real John Murphy?” Lexa asked, looking up at Murphy who was desperately trying to keep a smile on his face. 

“It’s gotta be Bellamy. He’s really rubbing off on me and ruining my whole emo vibe.” Murphy said with a chuckle, rubbing muffin crumbs off of his mouth. “There is um- one other thing though.”

Murphy reached into his pocket to pull out a small wooden box and slid it across the table to Lexa like it was money being exchanged for hard drugs. She raised an eyebrow at him and he responded by simply gesturing to the box with a smile, a genuine, excited one. Lexa reached to open it, intrigued by whatever it was that was making Murphy all smiley and weird. 

“Holy shit,” Lexa said, staring at the inside of the box. 

“Is it too much?” Murphy asked. “After he asked me to come home with him for Christmas I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. I can finally get to know his family and everything. I could even ask for his mom’s blessing and then propose to him on Christmas night! Christmas is Bellamy’s favorite day of the year too,” Murphy vented. “You think it’s tacky, don’t you?”

“No I’m just impressed,” Lexa said. “Doing it on Christmas is genius. And the ring is very… Bellamy. I think he’ll love it.”

The ring Lexa spoke of was a simple silver band with a small diamond embedded in the metal on the outside, and etchings of various constellations were engraved on the inside. 

“Constellations because of when you guys first met? The planetarium?” Lexa asked, lifting the box up to look closer at the ring. 

Bellamy and Murphy had met about a year and two months earlier. Murphy was doing research for an astronomy paper and figured the history museum a town over with a world-famous planetarium was his best bet. Well, world-famous was a bit of a stretch but it was quite large and still semi-famous. 

Bellamy had worked at the history museum since he graduated with his bachelor of arts in history. Murphy had entered the museum after his last class. It was close to closing time so he was the only one in the planetarium, taking notes in a little notepad and staring up inquisitively at the manufactured sky. 

Bellamy thought the mystery boy was beautiful with his soft-looking floppy hair and vampirish features, and suddenly felt very awkward in his museum uniform, a dark red polo that he had been wearing all day that probably didn’t smell great and some tan, too-tight khaki pants to be exact. 

After the planetarium's light show was over and the pre-recorded narration from the overhead speakers stopped, Bellamy walked over to Murphy, trying to muster up the courage to talk to him. Bellamy hoped and prayed that he could come up with something, anything that didn’t make him seem super weird. 

“Can I help you?” Murphy had asked. 

“The uh- museum is closed,” Bellamy said awkwardly. 

“Shit I’m sorry- you should’ve kicked me out,” Murphy said, looking at the time. 

“It’s okay. I don’t mind,” Bellamy said. 

“Well, I’ll just be on my way,” Murphy said, walking towards the planetarium’s exit. 

“Um,” Bellamy said. “Like I said the museum is closed, so my uh- my shift is over. Would you maybe want to-”

Murphy had cut him off with an enthusiastic yes that came on a little too strong for his liking, but Bellamy just thought it was cute. 

Ever since that night the two of them were inseparable and hadn’t gone more than two days without seeing each other. The love between them was magnetic, passionate, and every other word you could use to describe the connection between two souls that were made for each other. 

Murphy nodded, referring to Lexa’s question about the stars etched in the piece of silver. “Those are actually some of the exact constellations that were in the sky that night too. The jeweler offered to make it more personalized and I just thought he’d like it. He’s quite the sap.”

“I think you’re giving him a run for his money with this one,” Lexa laughed, holding out the closed box for Murphy to put back in his pocket. 

The sound of the coffee shop’s bell chimed and Lexa looked up with a smirk over Murphy’s shoulder. “Bellamy,” Lexa greeted. 

“Good morning Lexa,” Bellamy said, leaning down to kiss Murphy on the head. “Good morning Murphy.”

Bellamy took a seat on the side of the round table, shrugging his winter coat off and onto the chair. “Somebody’s looking jolly,” Lexa said. 

“What’s wrong with a little Christmas spirit?” Bellamy asked. “Are you gonna eat that?” 

“My muffin crumbs?” Murphy asked.

“There’s like a whole muffin left!” Bellamy said, shoving the rest of the pastry in his mouth. 

“Bell you’ve got crumbs on your shirt.”

“I do?”

Murphy rolled his eyes and wiped the crumbs off of Bellamy’s shirt. “You know I love this shirt,” Murphy said, smoothing out the shirt’s beige material. 

“You just like that shirt because it accentuates his muscles,” Lexa said after sipping her coffee. 

“I do not! It brings out his eyes!” 

“The shirt is brown!”

“His eyes are brown!”

“If I didn’t know any better I’d think you guys were a married couple,” he teased. 

Lexa shuddered. “Don’t even joke about that.”

“She’s practically my sister!” Murphy said, shoving Bellamy playfully. 

“Alright, alright, I’m gonna leave you two lovebirds to attend to your business,” Lexa said. 

“Lexa-”

“I have class!” she argued. 

“Fine,” he groaned. “Movie night later?”

“Movie night later,” Lexa said with a nod, zipping up her winter jacket. 

The bell chimed again, indicating that Lexa had left and Bellamy let his eyes fall back onto his boyfriend. “What were you guys talking about?” Bellamy asked. 

“Nothin’ crazy. Just Christmas and stuff,” he shrugged with a smile. 

“What are you so smiley about?” Bellamy asked, nudging Murphy. “You’re never this happy about Christmas stuff.”

“I’m not being all smiley,” Murphy said, making no effort to lessen the grin on his face. “I’m just like- not, not excited about getting to meet your family and everything.”

Bellamy gave him a small smile but the crinkles that usually formed when he smiled were absent on his face. 

“I just haven’t had a traditional Christmas since I was 17. And I love what Lexa and I do every year but that never really felt like Christmas y’know?” Murphy said. “I don’t know. Am I being weird? I feel like I’m being weird.”

“No! No I mean- I’m really happy that you’re coming home with me this year for Christmas,” Bellamy said. 

“And you’re sure that you want to bring me? Like I said parents aren’t normally super-”

“-I love you and I want to spend my favorite day of the year with you. I promise.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll try to stop being so crazy,” Murphy said. 

“Well don’t do that. That’d be like asking you to stop breathing.” 

“Oh haha very funny,” Murphy said. “If I’m crazy you’re a total nutcase.”

“Maybe… but I’m your total nutcase.” Murphy just rolled his eyes with a smile and interlocked his fingers with Bellamy’s. 

He could not wait to spend Christmas with Bellamy. 


	2. two

Bellamy was extremely anxious about spending Christmas with Murphy. 

Bellamy’s breaths came short and fast in and out of his mouth. He couldn’t remember what he was supposed to do, what he normally told Murphy to do when Murphy was having a panic attack. 

“Bellamy? I’m home!” Murphy said, followed by the slam of a door. “Are you ready to leave? We have to go soon so we don’t hit rush hour traffic!”

“Shit,” Bellamy panted out. “I’m just in the bathroom! Be out in a minute!” 

Bellamy took some more labored breaths and looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. His forehead was sweaty and his eyes were pink with the effort of not crying. Bellamy was sure Murphy would notice something was wrong but he tried as best as he could to make himself look normal, happy even. 

“Hey! You got all your stuff?” Murphy asked from the bedroom when he heard the bathroom door open. “I think we’re all set. Did you buy the wine your mom likes? I want to make sure we don’t forget- are you okay?”

Murphy looked at Bellamy’s eyes and then down at his shaky hands. “I- am great. I was just uh- exercising.”

“Right. _Exercising_ ,” Murphy said. He walked out of their bedroom into the hall where Bellamy stood and circled his arms around Bellamy’s waist. Bellamy’s heart raced faster and Murphy leaned back to put his hands on Bellamy’s face. “Talk to me Bell,” Murphy said. 

Bellamy shook his head. “Nothing I’m just like- I don’t know.”

“I’m not gonna judge you Bellamy, just tell me what’s wrong love.”

And Bellamy did not want to talk about it, but damn did he have a weakness for pet names. “I’m just nervous about going home I guess. I don’t know why I am. I shouldn’t be. It’s complicated,” Bellamy said, exasperated. “Can we just talk about this in the car? We really have to go.”

“Yeah of course,” Murphy said softly, kissing Bellamy’s lips quickly. He grabbed the duffel bags from where they were on the bed and Bellamy went to the kitchen to grab his mother’s wine as well as the gifts for his sister and family friends. 

“Ready to go?” Murphy asked him, bags in hand and with his coat on. 

“As I’ll ever be,” Bellamy replied. 

-

With a yawn and the crack of his back, Murphy blinked slowly, waking up from his brief car nap. “How long was I out for?” he asked, rubbing his eyes so he could get a better look at the winter wonderland they were driving through. 

“Not long,” Bellamy said. “It’s good that you’re awake though. We’re almost there and there’s something I need to talk to you about before we get there.”

“Oh okay. Should I be worried?” Murphy gave him a strange look. 

“My um- my family.” Bellamy paused, not wanting to say those six horrible words that he knew would make Murphy upset. 

“Your family?” Murphy repeated. 

Bellamy took a deep breath, preparing to rip off the stupid, stupid band-aid. Then, with the sudden static of the Christmas music on the radio, he ripped it off. “My family doesn’t know we’re together.”

The silence in the car was overwhelming. It was like the snow outside had somehow soundproofed the inside of the vehicle in the same way it calmed the sounds of the forest around the road they drove on. The metaphorical snow seemed to soak up every possible sound that could possibly be emitted from either party until Murphy spoke. 

“What do you mean they don’t know we’re together?” Murphy asked. Just hearing the confusion and hurt in his voice made Bellamy’s heart ache.

“I’ve been meaning to tell everyone for a while but I haven’t seen them in person since my birthday and I didn’t tell them then. I was planning on telling them before we came but I wanted to tell them in person and- and now it’s too late because my mom always gets so stressed during Christmas and I don’t want to add another surprise to her plate,” Bellamy stuttered out quickly. “I’m going to tell them as soon as it’s over though! I swear!”

“So why did you ask me to come in the first place?” Murphy asked after a moment of silence. 

“We were just having such a good time that night and I do want to spend Christmas with you so I didn’t want to uninvite you-”

“-So who do they think I am then?” Murphy cut him off, clearly becoming agitated by the situation. 

“When she called me the other week I was telling her about you and I was telling her about how you don’t have anywhere to go for Christmas because your parents died and I told her that I wanted you to come with me.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” Murphy said. 

“Well- they uh- they think-”

-

“-And this must be your orphan roommate! Marty is it?” Aurora Blake asked Murphy. 

“It’s Murphy, and thank you so much for letting me come. You have a beautiful home,” he said with a forced smile. Although Murphy didn’t really mean the first part, he did mean the second. The Blake home was impressive and screamed rich-suburban-family with its big wooden porch and abundance of windows. It was the kind of house that Murphy’s father always talked about having someday. 

“You two should get inside, it's freezing out here!” she said after a moment of silence. 

Bellamy moved to go back towards the car to get their bags, but Murphy stopped him. “I can grab our bags. Go catch up with your mom.”

Bellamy suppressed a frown. Murphy’s voice lacked emotion and he refused to make direct eye contact with Bellamy. “C’mon honey he’s got it. Let’s pop open this wine!” she said enthusiastically, ushering him inside but leaving the door open a crack for Murphy to get back inside. “You remembered the kind I like too! Last time you brought me the wrong one,” Aurora laughed. 

“So how’s everybody been here? Octavia? Lincoln? Raven?” Bellamy asked. 

“Well you’ll see them tomorrow at our usual pre-Christmas dinner party obviously, but they’re all doing well to my knowledge. Lincoln came over the other night and fixed the leaky faucet in the upstairs bathroom can you believe it! You worked on that thing for days and he fixed it in an hour!” she said, shaking her head with a grin on her face. “He’s a good one I’ll tell you that.” 

Bellamy fought the scowl that tried to claw its way out of his chest and plastered on a fake smile, just like he always did. “When’s Octavia coming?” he asked, sipping the wine his mother had poured for him. 

“She should be here tomorrow right before the party; said she wanted to greet you and meet the friend you were bringing home,” Aurora noted. “Oh! You should go grab him so I can show him where he will be sleeping!” 

The front door shut quietly behind Murphy but Aurora's sensitive ears easily picked up the sound of Murphy’s combat boots hitting the ground. “Hey, Ms. Blake where did you want me to…” Murphy said, gesturing the bags in his hands. 

“You can call me Aurora, Ms. Blake makes me sound old,” she said with a chuckle. “And Bellamy you can take your stuff up to your old bedroom. Murphy, you can follow me.”

“I thought we would both just be staying in my old bedroom?” Bellamy asked. 

“Oh, nonsense! I don’t expect two grown adult men to share a bed together! I set up the room in the basement for Murphy so he has his own space and privacy,” Aurora said to Bellamy. “Is that alright Murphy?” 

Murphy looked at Bellamy with a longing stare but Bellamy stared back at him with a firm one. “Yes, that’ll be fine Aurora. Thank you,” Murphy said politely. 

Bellamy went up to his bedroom after Murphy disappeared down their basement steps of the house feeling overwhelmingly awful about the situation Murphy was in. Especially because it was Bellamy’s fault. 

Looking out his childhood window Bellamy observed that the weather outside presented no indication that the atmosphere was in tune with his emotions. The sun was shining and snow covered the trees that surrounded the Blake household. Whereas if his emotions did control the weather, a storm would be brewing among the clouds. 

-

“ _-So his parents just think you’re his…_ ”

“Random orphan roommate? Yeah basically,” Murphy groaned. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” Lexa sighed, her voice was muffled over the phone and the background noise suggested that she was in her car. “ _Do you want me to come get you?_ ” 

“No,” Murphy said. “At least not yet. I don’t know. He said he would tell them right after Christmas so I feel like I should just wait it out.”

“ _Okay, but if you want to leave you just call me and I’ll come pick you up okay?_ ”

“Okay. Thank you Lex,” Murphy said. 

“ _Of course. Talk tomorrow?_ ” 

“Yep. Love you bye.”

“ _Love you,_ ” Lexa said quickly before Murphy hit the red circle on his phone screen and ended the call. 

Murphy sat down on the end of the bed to put his face in his hands. The room Aurora put him in was shabby and quite cold but it was better than nothing. Plus, Murphy didn’t mind that the frigid room matched his mood, letting him fall deeper into that cold, bottomless pit of self-hatred that he often retreated to during times like these.

From the other side of the door in the room’s corner, Murphy heard three distinct knocks and moved from the bed to open the door. “Hey, you ready to go? We’re gonna leave as soon as Octavia and Lincoln get here,” Bellamy said. 

Murphy nodded awkwardly, pulling at a loose string on the sleeve of one of Bellamy’s sweaters. It was dark blue and one of Bellamy’s favorites to see Murphy in because of the way it made his irises pop and how the sleeves were just a little too long and fell over his knuckles. 

“You’re gorgeous,” Bellamy said and reached behind himself to close the door. He wrapped his arms around Murphy’s waist, kissing his lips for the first time since they’d arrived at the Blake house. Murphy kissed back eagerly and forced himself out of the gloomy self-hatred pit he was falling into just moments prior.

The previous night was the first they had to spend without each other in months, and anybody could tell by the way their lips and hands got more desperate by the moment. Not in a way that was necessarily sexual, they just wanted to be as close to each other as humanly possible. That’s how it was a lot of the time with Bellamy and Murphy and that’s why they worked so well. It wasn’t all about the sex like it was for other people their age. It was about intertwining their souls, starting to build a life together. 

“Bell as much as I appreciate you being all over me you have got to stop before you give me a hickey,” Murphy giggled, a bit out of breath from where they stood against the wall near the bedroom’s door. 

Just then the bedroom door opened quite quickly, and Murphy tried not to let his heart drop into his stomach when Bellamy scrambled to get away from him. “You boys ready to go?” Aurora asked. “Octavia and Lincoln just pulled up!” 

The two of them nodded and made their way upstairs to the front door to greet Bellamy’s younger sister and her husband, Lincoln. Murphy didn’t know a whole lot about Bellamy’s mother and sister, just the basics really. He knew that they would fight a lot and that his mother was hard to impress, but so far he wasn’t seeing any of that. He couldn’t see any reason why Bellamy wouldn’t just tell them the truth. 

“Octavia!” Aurora exclaimed happily, hugging her daughter who had a small suitcase in hand. “How’s my little girl been?”

“C’mon mom you know that I’m not a little girl anymore! But I’ve been good! Lincoln’s work just got accepted into that big gallery show next month!” Octavia said. 

“That’s amazing!” she said, looking to Lincoln who was coming up behind Octavia. “I’m so happy for you Lincoln! You two better remember to give me the information for that show!” 

Murphy watched the three of them interact silently from Bellamy’s side. Watching as Bellamy dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands slowly, something Bellamy only did when he was trying really hard not to have an angry outburst. 

“Bellamy,” Octavia greeted, moving to hug her brother. “And who is this?” 

“My roommate that I told you about.”

“Orphan roommate at your service,” Murphy said, reaching out a hand for Octavia to shake. 

She gave Murphy a strange look, pushed his hand away, and brought Murphy into a bone-crushing hug. “What was your name?” 

“Murphy.”

“That’s an odd one. I haven’t met anybody named Murphy except for some of the old guys at the nursing home I volunteer at,” she said, smiling sweetly back at her mother. 

“Oh it’s uh- not my real name my name is John Murphy but I just go by my last name.”

“Oh okay. Cool,” Octavia said. 

“So are you two ready to go? Or do you need a minute to freshen up?” Aurora asked, shuffling through her purse to make sure she had everything she needed. 

“No we can go, I'll just take our bags up to Octavia’s room. Is that alright Aurora?” Lincoln asked. 

“Oh of course honey you’re family! You can stay wherever and whenever you’d like,” she said smiling. “Bellamy, you know how to get the Inn where we usually have our dinners, yes?” 

“I drove us there for the past three years mom,” he said. 

“Well I don’t know I’m just making sure,” Aurora said with a smile. “Is Murphy coming?”

“Why wouldn’t he be?” Bellamy asked. 

“Oh no it’s good that he is, I just wasn’t sure! You boys can get a head start I’m gonna ride with Octavia and Lincoln so we can catch up more.”

“Didn’t you just see them last week?” Bellamy mumbled to himself in an annoyed voice, but quiet enough that Aurora didn’t hear him. 

Once they got into the car and the heat was blasting along with shitty radio Christmas music, Bellamy started the car and rolled out of the driveway. 

“So,” Murphy said, “that was interesting.”

“What do you mean _that was interesting_?” Bellamy asked. 

“I didn’t realize that there was a whole weird favoritism situation going on,” Murphy said with a chuckle. “I understand a little bit more now why you waited to tell them.”

“What the hell do you mean by favoritism?” Bellamy asked in a sharp voice, one that he hadn’t used with Murphy in months. 

“You don’t have to get all angry with me jeez. It just seems like your mom- y’know-”

“-Thinks I’m a disappointment and likes Octavia and Lincoln way better than me?” Bellamy snarled. “That’s what you were going to say, wasn’t it?” 

“Bellamy c’mon I was just joking-”

“-Just stop talking and let me drive. I don’t need to hear any more of your stupid little jokes.”

After Bellamy said that, the rest of the car ride was silent. Murphy was sinking by the minute but Bellamy seemed too swallowed by his own annoyance and anger to notice. It was like Bellamy was forming into some angry, secretive, clone of himself with severe internalized homophobia the minute they entered his godforsaken childhood home. 

Murphy zoned out for the rest of the car ride, watching the snow glisten under the streetlights through the car window. His breath made a small spot on the glass fog up that he wiped away once he noticed it. 

The car stopped suddenly and Murphy directed his attention back to Bellamy who had his hands on the wheel and his head bent over, looking at his lap. “I’m sorry for being an asshole,” Bellamy said. “Things with my mom and my sister and I are just- they’re complicated.”

“It’s okay,” Murphy said. “I’m sorry for joking around about it. It was insensitive.”

Bellamy moved his head up and removed his hands from the steering wheel, turning to face Murphy. “Let’s just go inside,” he said, giving Murphy a quick kiss on the cheek and leaving the car. 

When the two of them entered the restaurant, the others were surprisingly already there. The room was bustling with energy for the different families eating there as well as the waiters and waitresses moving around swiftly. 

Bellamy and Murphy walked to take their seats at the roundtable, Murphy sitting next to Octavia and Bellamy beside him. He should've been sitting next to his mother but there was a chair separating them. 

“Who else is here?” Bellamy asked, confused about the extra chair with a winter coat already draped along the back of it. 

“I invited Gina! Isn’t that wonderful? You two haven’t seen each other in years have you?” Aurora said. “There she is!” 

Gina walked through the maze of tables and waiters back to the Blake family dinner table with a perfectly white-toothed smile on her face. Her warm skin and golden hair looked soft to the touch and she was certainly dressed for the occasion in a red velvety cocktail dress and black pumps.

She put a hand on Bellamy’s shoulder to greet him, sliding it down his bicep as she took her seat next to him. Murphy suppressed something in between an eye roll and a shudder as he watched the scene unfold. 

“Hi, Gina! How’ve you been?” Octavia asked from the other side of the table. 

“I’ve been great! It’s been too long since I’ve seen you all,” she said. “What about you Bell? I feel like I haven’t seen you since freshman year of college.” 

Gina’s thin manicured hands were still wrapped around Bellamy’s bicep and Murphy pushed down his urge to snap each of her fingers off one by one. Murphy desperately needed her to get the hell away from his boyfriend before he did something he’d regret.

“Yeah it’s uh- it’s been a while,” Bellamy said awkwardly. “This is my roommate Murphy,” Bellamy said after a moment of silence, turning around to look at Murphy. 

“It’s nice to meet you!” she said. “I love your sweater! It looks a lot like one Bellamy used to wear back in college.”

A blush crawled up Bellamy’s neck with that and he laughed awkwardly. “Murphy’s always trying to steal my incredible fashion sense. Isn’t that right?” 

“Oh for sure. Before Bellamy and I were roommates I was a lost cause,” Murphy said sarcastically. “How do you and Bellamy know each other?” Of course, Murphy already knew that they were high school sweethearts. He just wanted to hear her say it out loud so he could add whatever she said to his folder of depression episode fuel. 

“Well, Bellamy and I dated throughout junior and senior year of high school until our freshman year of college! No bad blood here though,” Gina said with a sweet smile, and it was certainly a mistake for Murphy to ask her about it. Hearing those words come out of Gina’s mouth while she snuggled up beside Bellamy made Murphy’s head spin. He really had to give the whole self-sabotage thing a rest. “How did you guys become roommates?”

“I met Bellamy at the museum and we became friends after that. I’m in graduate school right now so I needed a roommate to help cover the expenses,” Murphy said. 

“Oh wow! Graduate school!” Aurora said. “I kept pushing for Bellamy to get his Ph.D. but he just will not budge from that museum job! What degree are you working towards?”

“I’m looking to get my master’s in literature and then possibly my Ph.D. I’m sort of waiting it out to see what my best option is later on.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful! I was a literature major when I went to school as well!” Aurora said. 

“What career did you end up going into?” Murphy asked. Murphy already knew the answer to that question because he had stalked Aurora’s Facebook page the day before, desperate to find any information that could be useful in getting her to like him, but he asked it anyway, not wanting to come on too strong.

“I’m a literature professor! It’s a wonderful line of work and I’ve always loved teaching, especially the older students rather than high schoolers because we can have such interesting intellectual conversations. What line of work are you planning on going into?” she asked him, taking a sip of the sparkling water in front of her.

“I’m-”

“-Good evening everyone! What can I get started for you all tonight? Any appetizers?” the table’s waitress asked, interrupting Murphy. The group ordered their beverages and meals and Murphy was about to continue his conversation with Aurora, but Octavia beat him to it. 

“So, I have some news to share with you guys,” Octavia said with a grin. 

“Good news or bad news?” Aurora asked. 

“Great news,” Lincoln said with a grin. 

“I got into law school!” Octavia said. 

“Oh my Gosh! Honey that’s amazing, I’m so proud of you!” she said before moving around the table to hug Octavia and give her a kiss on the cheek. 

Murphy looked over at Bellamy who wore a tight-lipped smile. “That’s amazing O,” Bellamy said. Gina finally let go of Bellamy’s bicep to congratulate Octavia and Murphy leaned slightly closer to Bellamy. 

“Aren’t you going to tell them about the big promotion you got?” Murphy asked him. 

Bellamy looked between his sister and his mother for a moment and then back at Murphy. “It’s not a big deal, it can wait.”

“It is a big deal! You went from being a regular employee to being a tour advisor to being the fucking manager! It’d take most people years and years to work their way up that high, and at one of the largest, most well-known museums in the entire country? What is it, top five? Top-”

“-Murphy stop,” Bellamy said back to him in a hushed voice similar to Murphy’s. “Just leave it we have all week. I’ll tell them another time.”

Murphy sighed and watched as the others fell into easy conversation. He felt like the odd one out with Gina telling inside jokes that everyone got except for him or Bellamy pretending he didn’t exist as Bellamy proceeded to chat loudly with everyone at the table except for him. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” Murphy said after moving his food around for a couple of minutes, feeling a familiar pit forming in his stomach again. Murphy wanted Bellamy to tell him he’d go with him, but that wasn’t something guy-friends did with each other and Murphy didn’t want to ask him only to be shot-down and given weird looks. 

After Bellamy gave him a brief nod Murphy weaved through the tables toward the sign that pointed to the restrooms. Murphy found himself in a separate room from the restaurant that darkened and much quieter than it had been in the main room. Murphy sat down on one of the benches near the bathroom doors and wrapped his arms around himself. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Murphy saw a flash of blonde hair exit the women’s bathroom and Murphy thought her face looked familiar. “Clarke?” he asked. 

The woman turned around and gave Murphy a strange look. “Who are you?” she asked. “How do you know my name?”

“Sorry that must’ve been really creepy I uh- I’m here with the Blakes. I’m Murphy, Bellamy’s boyf- roommate. Bellamy’s roommate.”

“Right. _Roommate_ ,” she said with a knowing smile, sitting down on the bench next to Murphy. “So what are you doing out here all by yourself then?”

“I just need a break from- everything that was happening in there,” he said, gesturing to the main room. 

Clarke nodded. “Been there,” she said. “I can’t believe Bellamy told you about me.”

“Why not?” Murphy asked. “You guys were childhood best friends, right? Couldn’t exactly skip past you in the photo albums.”

“Yeah but, things didn’t exactly end well. I thought he still hated me.”

“Why would he hate you? I thought you guys just drifted apart?” he said. 

Clarke looked up at him with a sympathetic look. “You should probably ask him about that. I don’t know what he wants you to know and what he doesn’t.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Murphy asked. “Did you guys commit arson together or something?”

Clarke laughed. “No. We did talk about it one time though,” she said. “Listen I’ve got to get back to my table with my parents but I hope the rest of the night goes better for you and Bellamy. He can be a real idiot sometimes.”

“You’re right on with that one,” Murphy said. “See you around? Maybe we could grab drinks before I have to leave? I’d love to hear about other times Bellamy was an idiot.”

“Sure. Here’s my number. It was nice meeting you Bellamy’s _roommate_ ,” she said with a wink, walking back into the main dining room. Murphy looked at the digits written across his wrist with pen ink and found himself a little uneasy, knowing that Clarke knew the truth about him and Bellamy. Though Murphy knew it probably wouldn’t get around to the Blakes anyways, considering that Bellamy hadn’t talked to Clarke Griffin since their freshman year of high school, as Bellamy had told him.

After Clarke left Murphy walked back to the dining room to rejoin the Blakes once again. “Did I miss anything?” Murphy asked when he sat down. 

“We were just discussing Lincoln’s next big project,” Aurora said. Murphy nodded and turned his attention to the tall tattooed man that sat next to Octavia. Murphy would never have taken Lincoln for one of those passionate hipster artist types but Murphy didn’t mind it. When Bellamy had described Lincoln he made him out to be a whole lot worse, talking about how he used to float from gang to gang, selling drugs and putting his sister in danger. Thinking about how Bellamy could’ve lied to him made Murphy feel sick, not even just about Lincoln but about Clarke too, and everything else in his hometown. 

“Guess who I just ran into?” Murphy said to Bellamy off to the side. 

“Who?”

“Clarke Griffin,” Murphy said, and a bit louder than he had wanted to. Aurora, Lincoln, and Octavia stopped mid-conversation to look over at Murphy. 

“The Griffins are here?” Aurora asked. Murphy nodded. “They have some nerve. They know we always come here before Christmas.”

“Mom it’s not a big deal,” Bellamy said. “Everything that happened ended a long time ago. You should be over all that stuff by now.”

“She was a terrible influence on you Bellamy!”

“She was my best friend! We were kids!” he retorted back, starting to get properly angry. 

“You’re not still mad that she’s-” Octavia started. 

“-I don’t care that she’s gay or whatever she is! She can do whatever she wants!” Aurora said. “I’m done talking about this. I shouldn’t have to explain myself.”

The rest of the dinner was much quieter than before and unlike most years, the group skipped dessert and decided to just head back to the house. Bellamy got increasingly uptight as the night went on, constantly fidgeting, pulling at his collar, and squeezing his fists until there were bleeding crescent moon shaped scars on the palms of his hands. To make matters even worse, Gina gave him an uncomfortably long hug goodbye when they exited the restaurant before she made her way towards the other side of the parking lot.

Once they entered the car Bellamy made no effort to put the keys in the ignition. Murphy just stared, waiting for the inevitable outburst. “Why did you have to bring her up?”

“What?” Murphy asked. 

“Clarke. Why did you have to bring up Clarke?”

“I- I don’t know I just saw her and you’d told me about her before so I thought I’d just mention it. I wasn’t aware that there was more to your friendship ending than you guys drifting apart,” Murphy said. “You told me that that was what happened. You drifted apart.”

“We did- but it's complicated.”

“It seems like everything since we got here has been complicated,” Murphy said. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Bellamy asked.

“Nothing,” Murphy snapped. “Can you just start the car so we can leave?”

Bellamy started the car, trying not to look over at his boyfriend who’s head rested uncomfortably on frosty glass. Murphy looked out at the dark streets with a blank stare and a lump in his throat. “Just one more week,” Murphy mumbled to himself under the sounds of the car tires rolling loudly over rock salt. “One more week.”


	3. three

Murphy woke up disoriented and drowning, taking gulps of air down his throat as fast as he could to keep from suffocating in the comforter and quilts on top of him. Sweat covered his body and he felt painfully overheated, though the way he couldn’t stop shaking suggested otherwise. 

Murphy tried doing what Bellamy always told him to do after he’d had a nightmare, to count his breathing and to try and focus on one thing to aid his swirling mind. Normally, that one thing Murphy would focus on was Bellamy’s voice, but Bellamy was two levels above him, and based on how dinner had gone, Murphy hardly thought Bellamy would be willing to talk him down. But of course in Murphy’s desperate, panicked state, he pressed on Bellamy’s name in his phone anyway. 

After a few rings, surprisingly enough, Bellamy answered. “ _Murphy it’s four in the morning_ ,” he said groggily. Murphy didn’t know what to say to that, so he just kept breathing his uneven breaths into the phone speaker. “ _Murphy?_ ”

“Sorry,” Murphy choked out. “I just- I thought that maybe-” Murphy stopped himself and listened to Bellamy’s silence on the other line. “-Sorry. Nevermind,” Murphy whispered before hanging up the phone and throwing it back down on the bed in frustration. 

Part of Murphy wanted Bellamy to call him back, ask what was wrong, but Murphy didn’t expect him to at all, and he certainly didn’t expect to hear the sound of Bellamy’s heavy footsteps coming down the basement stairs. 

Before Bellamy could knock Murphy opened the bedroom door, standing with the quilt wrapped around his shaking shoulders in the doorway. He hadn’t been crying before but something about Bellamy being there in front of him made tears fall from in his eyes as soon as they welled up. “Hey,” Bellamy said, still clearly half asleep. 

“Hi,” Murphy said, hating how his voice sounded thick with sorrow. The room was dark and Bellamy couldn’t see his boyfriend well, but he could always tell how Murphy was feeling by the sound of his voice. Bellamy walked over to Murphy and moved into the bedroom, closing the door and locking it behind them. 

“C’mon let’s go back to bed,” Bellamy said, his words sounding gravelly and tired. He pulled off the shirt he’d put on to leave his bedroom and crawled into Murphy’s bed, gesturing for him to do the same. Murphy got into the bed cautiously, feeling embarrassed because of how sweaty the sheets still were, but Bellamy didn’t seem to mind. He never really seemed to mind.

“But what about-”

“-We’ll deal with it in the morning,” Bellamy said, pulling the quilt off from where it was around Murphy’s body so he could press his skin against Murphy’s. “Do you want to talk about it?” Bellamy wrapped an arm around Murphy’s waist and moved his hand to trace patterns on Murphy’s back. 

“No it’s okay,” Murphy said. “You’re tired we can just go to sleep.”

“Murphy?”

“Yeah?” Murphy asked, moving his head on the pillow to look up at Bellamy. 

“Do you want to go home?” Bellamy asked, and of course, Murphy wanted to go home. Everything that had happened since they arrived had been a disaster or caused problems in one way or another. But Bellamy was there, tracing patterns on his back and holding Murphy close to help him relax like he always did so effortlessly, and Murphy couldn’t say yes. He couldn’t tell Bellamy that he wanted him to spend Christmas away from his family. 

“No,” Murphy said. “It’s only a couple more days and then you’ll tell them, right?”

“Of course,” Bellamy said. “Just let me know if you change your mind and we’ll leave okay?”

“Yeah,” Murphy said, closing his eyes and nuzzling into the crook under Bellamy’s chin. “Goodnight Bell.”

“G’night Murph,” Bellamy said, leaning down to kiss Murphy’s sweaty hair. Bellamy was out like a light as soon as his head hit the pillow. 

It took Murphy a while to fall back asleep as it often did after a nightmare, but eventually, the sound of Bellamy’s breathing and the faint thumping of Bellamy’s heartbeat lulled Murphy into a dreamless sleep. 

-

Murphy and Bellamy woke up to loud knocking at the bedroom door and both quickly scrambled off of the bed. They had forgotten how much they’d tangled together amidst cuddling in their sleep and fell onto the hardwood floor in a small thud.

“Murphy? You okay in there?” Octavia said from behind the door. “I’m going out to lunch with some of mine and Bellamy’s high school friends and thought you might want to come! Can I come in?”

“Just a second,” Murphy said back, finding his clothes in a pile on the floor and slipping them on quickly while Bellamy hid in the corner behind the dresser, half-naked and looking suspiciously disheveled. If Octavia caught him, she would definitely pick up on what’s going on. 

Murphy opened the door, pushing his hair back with a faux smile. “Hey, Murphy! I didn’t wake you did I?”

“No of course not, just was working on some homework. You know how it is.”

“You know it is really nice to have somebody here that’s my age that actually cares about their education for once! I love Lincoln, and Bellamy, and all our friends to death but it just gets exhausting sometimes y’know?” she said, taking a seat down on Murphy’s roughly made bed. “Do you know where Bellamy is? I went in his room to talk to him but he wasn’t in there. Figured he went to pick up some last-minute presents or something.”

“Yeah, I uh- don’t know actually. I’ll probably shoot him a text or something to ask,” Murphy said. 

Octavia did a silent scan of the room and prayed she wouldn’t see Bellamy’s tufts of hair peeking out from above the wooden furniture. “Do you have a girlfriend Murphy?” she asked after a moment. 

“No- not that I wouldn’t want one but uh- no- I don’t. Why do you ask?” Murphy stuttered out, desperately trying to not say the wrong thing. 

“You have nail polish in your toiletry bag over there,” Octavia said, pointing to it. 

“Oh, that’s Lexa’s. Must’ve forgotten to take it out from the last time she crashed at mine and Bellamy’s place,” Murphy said with a shrug. Luckily, that was something he didn’t have to lie about. Technically the nail polish was Lexa’s, but he had borrowed it from her because he wanted to paint his nails on New Year’s Eve to go with the look he had planned for the night. That probably wouldn’t happen anymore unless Bellamy kept his promise, but the way Bellamy had crushed himself in between the wall and the dresser in an effort to stay in the closet didn’t exactly give Murphy hope. 

“Ooo who’s Lexa?” Octavia asked. 

“It’s not like that. She’s like a sister to me.”

“What about Bellamy?” 

“What about Bellamy?” Murphy asked in a different tone. 

“Are him and Lexa just friends?” she asked slyly. 

“As far as I’m aware,” Murphy laughed. 

After a moment of contemplation, Octavia sat up from the bed and started towards the door. “I’ll see you later Murphy,” she said, and then exited the room, closing the door behind her. 

“Holy shit,” Murphy said. 

“We are not doing that again,” Bellamy said, standing up from where he was crouched, rolling his shoulders and cracking his back. “I think Octavia is suspicious.”

“Why?”

“Because we don't have plans to go out to lunch with anyone. It’s Christmas Eve. We’re seeing everyone tonight anyways,” Bellamy said. “But I know Octavia and she won’t say anything unless she has proof, so we’re in the clear.”

“So when are you gonna tell them then? The day after Christmas? The day after that?” Murphy asked. 

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. For right now let’s just chill out and have a good Christmas okay?” Bellamy asked. 

“Okay,” Murphy said, kissing Bellamy’s lips and then his nose. 

“You are such a dork,” Bellamy said with a chuckle. 

“That’s hypocritical,” Murphy sassed. Bellamy just shook his head and walked over to the bedroom door to turn the lock. Murphy’s eyes grew wide. “Now?”

“If you want,” Bellamy said with a smirk, placing a single kiss underneath Murphy’s jaw. 

“Of course I want,” Murphy said. “We should probably brush our teeth first though.”

“I don’t mind,” Bellamy said, kissing Murphy deeply and moving his hands around Murphy’s neck. 

“Oh of course _you_ don’t mind,” Murphy said teasingly as Bellamy pushed the neck of Murphy’s shirt down to suck a love bite onto Murphy’s collarbone. Murphy pushed Bellamy off of his lap softly with a smile. “We can continue this _after_ I brush my teeth.”

“Fine,” Bellamy sighed dramatically, “but you’re gonna regret abandoning me like this. You’re gonna have to pay for your crimes.”

Murphy spit out his toothpaste in the sink of the small bathroom, running water over his toothbrush. “And how exactly will I be paying for these crimes?” 

“John Murphy, you have been found guilty and are sentenced to fifty mandatory face kisses from Bellamy Blake.”

“Oh no, kisses from my boyfriend, how will I ever survive,” Murphy said, monotonous. Bellamy dragged Murphy back to the bed by the hand and pressed feather-light kisses all over his boyfriend’s face. “Bell, you’re not even counting.”

“Yes, I am. In fact, I just got to fifty,” Bellamy said, crossing his arms. Murphy gave Bellamy an exaggerated pout that made Bellamy roll his eyes. “I supposed I can double your sentence.” Murphy raised an eyebrow at Bellamy. “Triple?” Murphy nodded and let Bellamy climb back onto him. 

Maybe this Christmas wouldn’t be so bad after all. 

-

The annual Christmas Eve party hosted by Aurora Blake started off going surprisingly well. Everybody was just as busy and stressed as usual but it seemed like everybody was having a good time. 

Murphy was chatting away with a family friend of theirs by the name of Raven Reyes, Octavia’s best friend. Murphy had met Raven a handful of times before the Christmas Eve party because she was in Polis a lot for work. They quickly became friends despite only having met a few times, texting a bit, and following each other on social media.

“So Bellamy seriously dragged you along just because your parents are dead? That’s gotta be rough,” Raven said, sipping on her martini. “My parents are dead too and if one of my friends forced me to come hang out with their dysfunctional family on Christmas in a town where I barely knew anybody, I would not be having a good time.”

“I mean it’s not so bad, I just feel like there’s a lot of secrets and drama among everybody that I don’t understand. It’s frustrating because I keep saying the wrong thing and causing arguments. At least I have you though,” Murphy said. Murphy was definitely not the type to open up and be honest with somebody he barely had anything but small talk with, but he had had a lot in common with Raven and he felt like he could trust her. 

“What do you mean? Causing arguments?”

“Well we went out to dinner and when I went to the bathroom I ran into Clarke Griffin on the way-”

“-Clarke?” Raven asked. “Then you brought it up at the table. Didn’t you?”

“Yeah?” Murphy said, confused. “I do not understand what the whole drama is about that. Bellamy told me that when they were younger they drifted apart and stopped being friends, but then that night after I brought her up and Aurora freaked out about it he said there was more and now I’m just really confused. I don’t know why Bellamy would lie to me about that y’know?” 

“I don’t think it’s my place to talk about what happened. You'll have to get the full story from Clarke or Bellamy or something,” Raven said. Just then she looked up to see Octavia beckoning her. “I’ve gotta go, but I’ll talk to you later?” Raven said.

“Sure,” Murphy said casually, chewing on a grape from the charcuterie board that sat on the kitchen island countertop, watching Raven walk away.

Murphy saw Bellamy sitting on the couch in the other room talking with some of his high school friends and decided to walk over and introduce himself, at least until he saw that on the other side of Bellamy, Gina sat next to him pressed up against his side. Bellamy’s arm was even draped over her shoulders. When Murphy approached them he watched Bellamy look over at him, but instead of introducing Murphy to his friends, he just looked away without a second glance. 

Murphy’s heart sank again and he wasn’t sure how much more of it he could take before he had some sort of big outburst declaring the fact that he was drowning in sorrow, self-hatred, and insecurity. Getting Murphy out of that stupid godforsaken hole was something that Bellamy normally did without even trying, but something about this place turned Bellamy into somebody that made Murphy feel rejected and humiliated, foolish even. 

“Fuck this,” Murphy said to himself, grabbing his winter coat and his keys and walking out the front door. Luckily nobody stopped him, but he doubted that if Aurora, Bellamy, or Octavia had seen him leave, they would have let him go without a word of defiance. 

Looking down at the smudged phone number on his wrist and dialed the numbers on his cellphone with determination. “ _Hello?_ ” a feminine voice said from over the phone. 

“Hey! I know you’re probably busy because it’s Christmas Eve and everything but um- if you’re not would you want to maybe grab a drink somewhere or just go somewhere to talk for a bit. I just need an excuse to take a break from this stupid Christmas party,” Murphy said quickly, realizing how idiotic he sounded as he spoke. It was Christmas Eve, Clarke surely had plans, but Murphy was running out of options and didn’t really have much to lose. “Oh and it’s Murphy by the way. Probably should have started with that.”

“ _Didn’t the party just start like, an hour ago?_ ” Clarke asked. 

“Yeah, but I’ll be back long before the party is over. Just want to wait until everybody’s more drunk and less uptight. The people here are so conservative and weird. I’ve been getting looks all night just because I’m wearing all black.”

“ _Sounds about right_ ,” she said with a laugh. “ _My mom and my stepdad don’t really do anything crazy on Christmas Eve. We do most of our stuff on Christmas. So if you want to go somewhere for a bit I’m down_.”

“Really?”

“ _Yeah of course. Just meet me at the pub at the corner of the end of the street Bellamy lives off of. Take one right then the second left after you get out of the neighborhood and it’ll be on your right_.”

“Awesome. Thanks,” Murphy said, hanging up the phone. He sent Bellamy a quick text to let him know that he was going out and soon enough he was on his way to see Clarke. 

-

“-He had to hide behind the dresser?” Clarke laughed. 

“We were so close to being caught, it was crazy.”

Clarke took a sip of the beer in her hand and looked Murphy dead in the eyes. “Alright, enough of the chit-chat, you can go ahead and ask me. I know the real reason why you wanted to get drinks with me.”

“I wanted a distraction?”

“No Murphy, the other one.”

“Oh,” Murphy said, “ _that_ one.”

“You want to know what the deal with me and the Blakes are.”

Murphy nodded, feeling guilty. “I just feel bad asking because I feel like I’m invading Bellamy’s privacy but I’m also pissed at him for lying to me so I don’t really know how to feel about the whole thing.”

“It’s okay, you deserve to know. He shouldn’t be keeping stuff from you like this,” Clarke said. “What do you already know?”

“Bellamy said that you guys just drifted apart but then I brought you up and dinner and Bellamy’s mom had a really weird reaction.”

“Sounds about right,” she sighed. Clarke finished off the rest of her drink and placed it back down on the table. “Basically, when Bellamy and I were in middle school I figured out that I was bisexual. I told him of course because he was my best friend, and he was super supportive, but,” Clarke paused, “after I started telling more people and telling my family, word got around pretty quickly. Being gay or being bi or whichever isn’t a super common thing here. At least not when we were kids. It’s gotten a little bit better since then but still.”

“But you said Bellamy was supportive? What happened?”

“Aurora found out, and she’s not necessarily homophobic but she’s one of those types that doesn’t want her kids to be gay but she doesn’t care if other people are. A couple months go by after the whole town knew I was bi and Bellamy comes out to me and to his family as gay.”

“Oh,” Murphy said, “but his mom-”

“-His mom thought it was my fault and that I had ‘turned her son gay’ so Bellamy and I stopped being friends. He convinced his mom that it was just a phase he was going through because of me and that he was sure he wasn’t gay. Haven’t talked to him since.”

“Shit,” Murphy said after a moment of silence. 

“Shit indeed,” Clarke repeated. 

Bellamy’s signature ringtone began to loudly play in the small pub and Murphy looked at his phone with confusion. “Hello?” 

“ _Where the hell are you_?”

“I told you. I was going out.”

“ _Where? With who?_ ” Bellamy asked angrily. “ _You can’t just walk out. It’s Christmas. This is important._ ”

“You were busy catching up with your high school friends anyways. Didn’t think you’d be such a controlling asshole about it.”

“ _Are you kidding me right now?_ ”

“I’m getting drinks. With Clarke Griffin.” There was a moment of silence before Bellamy tried to talk, but Murphy cut him off. “Why did you lie to me?”

“ _Murphy I didn’t-_ ”

“-Yeah but you did,” Murphy said. “I’ll be back soon because the pub’s closing. Bye,” he said, putting his phone into his jacket pocket and giving his card to the barista. 

“Murphy you don’t have to pay,” Clarke said. 

“Don’t worry about it. It’s the least I could do for dragging you out of the cold on Christmas to hang out with me. I promise you can pay me back somehow,” Murphy said with a smirk. 

Murphy walked Clarke out to her car and thanked her again for going out with him and for telling him what had really happened between her and Bellamy. Murphy drove back to the house in silence, trying to prepare himself once again to be disappointed by Bellamy. Something Murphy never thought he would have to prepare himself for. 


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my inspiration for this chapter was "everything that can go wrong WILL go wrong" i hope you enjoy excessive conflict and angst that was probably unnecessary but here we are

Murphy slipped through the front door and into the crowded house without anyone seeming to notice, going right back to his designated spot near the snacks and cheese board. “There you are,” Raven said. “I was wondering where you ran off to.”

“Nothing crazy,” Murphy said. “Just some last-minute Christmas errands.”

“It was a hookup, wasn’t it?” she asked, wiggling her eyebrows. 

“I- no,” Murphy said. 

“It totally was. You’re a terrible liar.”

“I’m not a bad liar, you’re just nosey. Plus, I’m not a cheater.” Murphy’s eyes widened when he realized what he just said. 

“So you do have a boyfriend then?” she asked. 

Murphy choked on his brie. “A what?”

“Murphy c’mon, I know a gay guy when I see one. I wasn’t born yesterday like the rest of these conservative dickheads.”

“Oh thank God. I knew you were cool but knowing that you’re cool with the whole gay thing is great. I was really hoping there was another normal person in this town besides Clarke.”

“Ohhh so _that’s_ what you were doing. You were out with Clarke,” she said, connecting the dots with a smile. “Also for the record, I would hardly call Clarke a “normal person” but you’ve got the spirit.” After she spoke, Raven and Murphy both noticed Bellamy enter the room they were in but upon seeing Murphy, he turned around and walked in the other direction. “Wait a minute,” Raven said. “Are you-”

“-Please don’t tell anyone,” Murphy cut her off in a hushed voice. “Bellamy is waiting to tell everyone until after Christmas and even though the whole thing pisses me off, I don’t want to out him.”

Raven mimicked a zipper sliding over her lips and handed Murphy an invisible key. “Your secret is safe with me. That actually makes a lot more sense too now that I’m thinking about it,” she said. “Hey, do you want to get some alcohol that’s not super generic? They keep the good stuff in a cabinet in the second dining room.”

“They have a _second_ dining room?” 

“I know right. Aurora comes from a really rich, prestigious family which explains how she can afford this place on her salary. It also helps explain why she’s so uptight and strict about reputation too,” Raven said. “Anyways, c’mon. Booze time.” Raven dragged Murphy by the hand into the other room. 

The dining room was lavish just like every other room in the house except for the basement which was average at best. Everything looked so expensive and Murphy was afraid to even set foot on the plush carpet, but Raven waltzed right in like she lived there. 

“I know it can be a lot to get used to, I’ve been friends with Octavia since we were little and you will get used to it eventually I promise.” Raven grabbed a fancy looking bottle of some type of alcohol. Murphy didn’t know if the language on the bottle was French or Italian but he didn’t really care, good booze was good booze. 

“Where are we gonna drink this?” Murphy asked. 

“Hmm, well the living room and main dining room are where most of the boring old people are. Probably upstairs somewhere would be good. I’m sure Bellamy won’t mind seeing as, y’know,” Raven said, with a snort. 

“Shut up Reyes, let's just go get drunk,” he laughed, and Raven took Murphy’s hand to take him upstairs. 

“You would not believe the number of times I used to walk in on weird stuff in Bellamy and Octavia’s rooms when we were kids. This one time I caught Bellamy-” Raven stopped suddenly, at the top step on the stairs. “Bellamy,” she repeated, her tone completely different than before. “Murphy don’t-”

And there at the top of the steps, were Bellamy Blake and his high school sweetheart Gina Martin, lips interlocked. At the sight Murphy turned away as quickly as he humanly could, his mind fuzzing like radio static, rendering him speechless as he walked down the stairs. 

Bellamy was quick to push Gina away as quickly as she had put her lips on his, but Murphy hadn’t been there to see that. For all Murphy knew Bellamy and Gina had been making out in that spot at the top of the stairs since he left to go see Clarke. 

“Murphy-” Bellamy said but shut his mouth immediately after, watching his lover turn around and run back down the stairs. Bellamy knew he couldn’t follow Murphy down the stairs if he wanted to avoid suspicion, so he just stood there, feeling threatened under Raven’s harsh gaze. 

“You’re better than this Bellamy. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore,” Raven said, shaking her head, and walking back down the stairs. She wasn’t sure if her company was welcome but she stood near the basement door anyway, in case Murphy decided to seek someone out. 

Meanwhile, Murphy raced through the house, trying desperately not to cry or to punch a wall. “Are you alright Murphy?” Octavia asked him, stopping him briefly. 

“Yes, I just need to go grab something. I’ll be back,” Murphy said, brushing her off without a second glance.

Murphy ran down the stairs, closing the basement’s door behind him and letting his breaths become labored with the reality of what he had just witnessed. He pulled his phone out of his pocket with shaky hands and grabbed his duffel bag from where it was on the floor, half-hazardously throwing his clothes and belongings into the bag. 

Lexa answered his call after only one ring. “ _Murphy? What’s wrong?_ ”

“Why do you assume something is wrong?” he asked, continuing to shove clothes into his bag. 

“ _You’re supposed to be at Bellamy’s Christmas Eve extravaganza right now but instead you're calling me and it’s not to tell me about how amazing everything is going_ ,” she deadpanned. “ _So? What’s wrong?_ ” 

“Can you just come get me? Please? I need to leave and I can’t take Bellamy’s car,” he said, his voice cracking against his will at the end of his sentence. “Please.”

“ _I’ll be there as soon as I can_ ,” Lexa said, and then the phone went silent. Murphy shoved his hands into his hair, pulling roughly at the strands. 

“Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t-” Murphy’s mumbling was cut off by Bellamy’s signature knock once again. Instead of smiling, his features grew clouded with anger. 

Murphy said nothing and heard Bellamy try to open the locked door. “Murphy?” he asked. “I know you’re in there. Can we please talk?”

Murphy walked over to the door, seething. “What is there to talk about?” he asked. “Why are you even down here Bellamy? Aren’t you afraid that your family will wonder where you are? Wouldn’t want to leave Gina high and dry.” When Murphy said the girl’s name like it was dirt in his mouth. 

“Murphy, nothing is happening with Gina. She came onto me and I turned her down as soon as you ran off. Can you please just open the door?” Bellamy said. Murphy offered Bellamy no emotion or response to what he had said and opened the door despite how much he didn’t want to. Bellamy walked over to him, placing a cautious hand on Murphy’s face. Murphy shrugged off Bellamy’s hand, walking away and continuing to pack. 

“You’re leaving?” 

“Lexa’s on her way, should be here in an hour or less. Traffic isn’t bad this late on Christmas Eve.”

“Murphy please-” 

“-Would you just stop?” Murphy snapped. “I’m done playing pretend with you okay? I’m done. And I know that nothing is going on between you and Gina, but if you had just told her and everybody else we were dating she wouldn’t have come onto you at all.” Murphy paused before speaking again. “I tried, I really did but I’m done. I can’t do this so I’m going home.”

“Murphy please don’t leave. I told you I’d tell them-”

“-It’s not just you not telling them! You keep brushing me off and- and ignoring me. It’s like you’re ashamed of me, and not just ashamed of being my boyfriend but ashamed of being my best friend too.” 

“I can make things better. Let me make it better Murphy. I’ve been awful to you and I realize that now,” Bellamy said quietly, walking towards Murphy and placing his hands on Murphy’s face. “Just please don’t leave.”

“I won’t leave if you stop hiding me like I’m this dirty little secret that you-”

“-I’m not hiding you, Murphy! Can’t you see that? I’m hiding me!” Bellamy searched Murphy’s eyes for some kind of understanding to aid in his desperation.

“It feels a lot more like you’re hiding me,” Murphy said, feeling his throat ache and his nose burn. “My whole life I’ve been pushed aside and rejected. When my dad died my mom hated me and then after she died the whole fucking town hated me because they thought it was my fault.”

“Murphy I know-”

“-Just because you know doesn’t mean you understand, because if you did you wouldn’t be treating me like this. You’re just like everybody else, hiding me like I’m some kind of parasite you can’t kill no matter how fucking hard you try.” Murphy crossed his arms and looked away from Bellamy, hands trembling.

“Murphy that’s not what I think of you at all. I love you, you know that.”

“Do you know what the last thing my mother said to me before she died was?” 

Bellamy furrowed his eyebrows. “You normally don’t like talking about-”

“She told me that I was a nuisance. A leech constantly sucking everyone dry-”

“-Murphy-”

“-And then she told me that I killed my father. That it was all my fault,” Murphy felt a tear roll down his cheek but made no effort to wipe it away. “Everything is always my fault. Including this whole thing right now. Admit it, Bellamy! Everything would be easier if I wasn’t here.”

“Murphy stop,” Bellamy begged. When Murphy got especially angry at Bellamy, he’d start aggressively talking with his hands, so Bellamy grabbed Murphy’s wrists gingerly, holding them still. “Please just stay-”

“-Bellamy-”

“-Please,” Bellamy whispered, closer to Murphy’s face. “I love you, okay? Just please let me-”

Bellamy was cut off by the sound of the room’s door creaking open. “Oh my God,” Octavia said with a strange expression that Murphy couldn’t quite pinpoint. 

“Octavia,” Bellamy warned, “please don’t tell mom. I wanted to wait until after Christmas and I just-” Bellamy stopped talking when Octavia smirked to herself and started to walk back up the stairs. “-Octavia. Where are you going?”

Murphy followed awkwardly behind them as he watched Bellamy nervously pace behind his younger sister. “Y’know mom’s gonna be pretty upset when she finds out you’ve been lying to her this entire time,” Octavia said. 

Raven, who was still standing near the top of the stairs, joined Murphy and Lincoln in following Bellamy and Octavia as they walked. “What’s going on?” Raven said. Murphy just shrugged in response, still feeling agitated. 

“Octavia please-” Bellamy was cut off once more by a loud noise coming from inside of the closet at the top of the basement stairs. 

The four of them stopped to investigate, and when Octavia opened the door, Lincoln stood looking disheveled, next to an equally disheveled looking woman who stood like a deer in the headlights. “What the hell Lincoln! We were waiting until after New Years to tell everyone about the divorce. You could at least be a little more subtle,” she said, hitting his bicep roughly. 

“You guys got divorced?” Bellamy asked. Octavia and Lincoln didn’t say anything, and that silence was enough to answer Bellamy’s question. Bellamy just stared at her, a smug look growing on his face, similar to the one she wore when she had found Murphy and Bellamy in the basement. 

“Looks like I’m not the only one with secrets,” Bellamy said smoothly, and Octavia launched herself at him like a referee had just blown his whistle. 

Murphy moved to stand beside Lincoln as the siblings wrestled and clawed at each other. “Should we intervene?” Murphy asked, his anger fading away just a bit, distracted by his confusion.

“When they do this it’s best to just let them work it out themselves,” Lincoln replied. 

“This happens regularly?” 

“Every time one of them gets dirt on each other pretty much,” Raven said, catching on to what was happening. 

“Why?”

Lincoln looked up at Octavia and Bellamy rolling around on the floor and then back at Murphy. “I’m gonna let you in on a little secret about this family,” Lincoln said. “Aurora is a lovely woman, but she’s manipulative and has made the two of them compete to be her favorite their entire lives. I know that it’s unconventional, but it’s the way they were raised. They can’t help it.”

“They were always really close growing up and they still kind of are. There’s just this weird divide they have when their mom gets involved. They get all secretive and tattle-tale on each other like they’re children,” Raven added. 

Murphy’s frown and slouched posture turned into a flinch when he heard a loud crash from the other room. Bellamy and Octavia were next to a spattering of shattered glass when Lincoln and Murphy arrived at the scene. The crowd of people gathered in the house’s main living space curiously made their way to the scene after the loud crash, but Bellamy and Octavia were too focused on wrestling to notice. 

Eventually, Aurora ended up on the scene, shoving through the crowd to see what all the fuss was about. “Bellamy! Octavia!” The two siblings halted their rough-housing when they heard their mother’s voice. “What is the meaning of this?”

“Bellamy- has been- lying to you-” She found herself out of breath from the effort of fighting her brother. 

“-Octavia and Lincoln are divorced!” 

“Bellamy’s gay!” Octavia yelled. “Bellamy’s gay and Murphy isn’t just his roommate. Murphy’s his boyfriend.”

The room went silent and Aurora of course paid no attention to Octavia’s lies that Bellamy had spewed. She just turned her head to Bellamy with a stern look. “Is this true?” she asked. 

Bellamy felt his ears ringing and his heart beating faster.“No,” he said. “No- she’s lying! I’m not gay and Murphy’s not my boyfriend. I have no idea where she would’ve gotten an idea like that from.” His stomach filled with dread so fast that he nearly excused himself to the bathroom to throw it back up.

Raven and Lincoln both look vastly disappointed in what had become of the Blake siblings on that Christmas. They were both furious with Octavia for outing Bellamy, but equally furious with Bellamy for denying it. The worst part of it was that even though the two of them were disappointed, they weren’t surprised. 

Murphy's face crumpled looking around at all of the judgemental stares he was getting from Bellamy’s friends and family. He then opened the front door and walked out, completely unnoticed by everyone in that room. Well, except for Raven, who followed Murphy out the door shortly after he left. 

“He’s lying,” Octavia said. 

“No I’m not!” he protested desperately. “Mom please-”

“Will you two please just clean up the mess you made?” she said. 

“Mom-”

“-Now.” Bellamy nodded and watched as his mother walked back into the main room. The guests let themselves out quickly, grabbing their coats and purses, eager to leave the awkward atmosphere that the Blake siblings had created. Lincoln too wanted to rid himself of the energy so he wandered back upstairs to Octavia’s bedroom, leaving the two of them alone. 

“This is all your fault,” Bellamy grumbled. 

“It’s all my fault that you’re gay?” she asked, annoyed. 

“I don’t just mean that I mean everything! Ever since mom had you you’ve always been her favorite and I’ve always had to try harder and be better than you in every way possible and she still doesn’t care. She still doesn’t care-”

“-That’s bullshit! You’ve always been her favorite Bellamy! All she’s been doing my entire life is trying to force me to be somebody that I’m not and you always just got to do your own thing! Be your own person-”

“-I never cared about being my own person,” Bellamy cried. “I just wanted her to care about me. I wanted her to love me like she’s supposed to but she doesn’t. She hasn’t ever since she had you.”

“No. You’re wrong,” Octavia argued. “Dad left because of you. Everything bad that’s happened to our family- it’s been your fault.”

“Don’t fucking bring him up-”

“-He tried to contact me, Bellamy! I saw the letters remember? You said you were protecting me from him but you lied! You were upset that he only cared about me,” she said. “The only purpose you’ve ever had in this family has been to try and be better than me because you can’t handle coming in second place. You’re jealous of me because you didn’t have a purpose in this family until I was born.”

“My life ended the day you were born,” Bellamy said, but his voice broke on the last word. Octavia stared at him in disbelief as Bellamy breathed heavily from where he stood, face red and eyes glossy. The Blake siblings always competed and bickered, but they never had arguments that went this far. Octavia hadn’t seen Bellamy this distraught since Aurora forced him to stop being friends with Clarke back in high school. 

Bellamy bent down on the shards of glass, not caring that they dug into his knees and formed small cuts there. His new dress pants would surely be ruined with blood stains and holes but Bellamy didn’t care. He just wanted the whole thing to be over. 

“Can you just leave?” A small pool of blood started to form on the hardwood under Bellamy’s legs. 

“Bell you’re bleeding-”

“-I don’t care!” he yelled with a brittle voice. “Just leave.” Octavia nodded even though Bellamy couldn’t see her and wordlessly made her way back upstairs. Bellamy began scooping broken glass into his hands, creating more cuts, and moving the glass into the garbage can in the kitchen. 

He was almost finished cleaning up the mess when the doorbell rang and Bellamy sighed when he realized his mother wasn’t going to get it. “Coming!” he yelled and walked towards the front door. Bellamy opened the door with red eyes, messy hair, and blood and holes all over his clothes. 

“Is this a bad time? This is a bad time isn’t it?” Lexa asked. “Where is everybody?” Bellamy just groaned, pushing his hands against his eyes and let Lexa inside. “Where’s Murphy?” she asked next, and Bellamy crumbled to the floor in a pile of gasping sobs. 

-

“God I’m so fucking stupid,” Murphy said to himself, rubbing his eyes, sitting on a bench in the Blakes backyard. 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself Mister Graduate School,” Raven said with a grin, walking up behind him with a blanket in her arms. “You couldn’t have at least grabbed your jacket?” she asked, draping the fleece over his shoulders. 

“Nah. Wanted to get out of the war zone as soon as possible,” After a moment of silence, Raven heard the sound of sniffing and saw tears start to fall from Murphy’s eyes. 

“Hey,” she said. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“No, it’s not. This whole thing asinine,” Murphy said, shaking his head. “I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to just keep pushing through and pushing through all of the bullshit and sticking around even though nobody wants me to or cares! It’s like a damn cockroach or something.”

“Murphy that’s not true,” Raven said. “I care and Lexa cares and Clarke cares and Bellamy-”

“-If Bellamy fucking cared he’d be out here right now. But he’s not, he's- he’s inside probably shit talking me to his mom just so he can stay in the closet for a little bit longer.”

“Bellamy’s an idiot for not showing you off to his family the second you walked in the front door Murphy,” Raven said. 

“Raven-”

“-No I’m serious! I know we haven’t known each other very long but you are one of the kindest, smartest, funniest, people I have ever met, and if Bellamy lets you get away it’ll be the worst mistake he'll ever make.” Raven wrapped her arm around Murphy’s shoulders and the two of them shivered when a particularly cold rush of wind blew by. “We should probably go inside soon,” Raven said. “This blanket won’t protect us from hypothermia forever.” 

“I just want to go home,” Murphy sighed. “But all my stuff is inside and Lexa isn’t here and-”

“-How about you come stay over my place tonight and then we can come grab your stuff in the morning?” Raven asked. “Do you have your phone?” Murphy nodded. “Just call Lexa and let her know and then she can drive you home.”

“But what about Bellamy?” Murphy asked. “He’s still my boyfriend. I can’t just leave.” Raven gave him a sympathetic look and stood up, giving Murphy a hand and guiding him to follow her to her car. 

“He’ll survive the night without you. Plus, I think he’s used up all of his chances for the night.” 

“What about the blanket?” Murphy asked. 

“Oh, we’re stealing the blanket. It’s the least they could do for the shit you’ve been put through tonight,” Raven said. Murphy laughed wetly and followed Raven as he waddled through the snow in the front yard. He stopped for a moment and turned his head to look at the house once more, but didn’t see anyone in the illuminated windows, so he continued walking. 

As Raven pulled out of the long winding driveway, Murphy pulled out his phone to call Lexa. Once again, she picked up after the first ring. “ _Hey, where are you?_ ” Lexa said. 

“What do you mean where am I? I thought you were still on the road?”

“ _I just got to the Blakes a couple minutes ago and everybody was gone and Bellamy was covered in blood I think? Seems like a real madhouse. Bellamy hasn’t stopped crying since I got here._ ” Murphy felt his heart pang at that, but he had to remember to stand his ground and be strong. Bellamy fucked up like _majorly_ fucked up, and this was on him to fix, not Murphy. 

“I left. I’m in Raven’s car and I’m staying at her place for the night and going to grab my things in the morning,” he said. 

“Lexa’s welcome to come stay the night too, if she wants to,” Raven said. 

“And Raven offered for you to stay the night as well if you want.”

“ _That’s very generous but I’m already here and I’ve only met Raven like once. I don’t think I should leave Bellamy here anyways. I’m pissed at him but the state he’s in is pretty concerning. He’s really upset Murph_ ,” she said. 

“It’s his fault that he’s upset. Lexa after everything with Gina happened Octavia told his mom he was gay and dating me in front of the entire party he denied it!” Lexa said nothing. “He even said that it was a crazy idea that we would be together. He’s ashamed of me Lexa.”

“ _If he wasn’t already bleeding I’d beat his ass right now believe me,_ ” Lexa sighed. “ _I’m just gonna stay here in your room for right now so that when you come back tomorrow we can leave okay?_ ” 

“You sure you want to stay in that house? From what I’ve seen it makes everyone that enters it ten times crazier.”

“ _I think I’ll manage_ ,” Lexa said. “ _Let me know if you need anything else okay?_ ” 

“Okay,” Murphy said. “Love you.”

“ _Love you too._ ”


	5. five

The night went by slowly for both Bellamy and Murphy. On opposite sides of town, they both lay awake, staring at the ceiling above them with tears in their eyes. The rest of the awake people in the world were probably unable to sleep because of excitement or Christmas joy or something similar, in high contrast to Murphy and Bellamy’s insomnia. 

Murphy woke up from an hour long-nap when dawn had come and lit up the inside of Raven’s living room. Murphy sat up from the couch and stretched, rubbing his tired eyes. 

“You’re up early,” Clarke said with a smile, coming through the front door in workout gear and with her hair up in a ponytail. 

“Clarke? What are you doing here?” 

“Just got back from a run,” she said. “Oh and Raven’s my  _ roommate _ ,” Clarke said and made sure to say “ _ roommate _ ” in the same tone she had used when she first met Murphy in the restaurant, but Murphy was too tired to catch on. 

“Isn’t it cold for that kind of thing?”

“The colder the better,” she said with a grin. “Do you want me to wake up Raven? I can take you to the Blakes if you want. Raven told me about everything.”

“No, it’s okay. I don’t want to ruin your Christmas morning.”

“Raven and I don’t do Christmas morning. We wait until we get to my parents’ house to do gifts in the afternoon.”

“Oh!” Murphy said. “So you guys are…”

“Together? Yeah,” Clarke said. “I know that it’s strange because Raven is still so close with the Blakes but I don’t have any bad blood with Octavia and that’s the reason Raven goes to those parties. She also really likes drinking their expensive alcohol. Sometimes she also really likes stealing it,” Clarke said with a chuckle. “You want some coffee?” Clarke asked. Murphy nodded. 

He reached for his phone that was facedown on the coffee table and after turning it on, he didn’t know how to react. There were ten missed calls, five voicemails, and an insane amount of texts. They were mostly from Bellamy but there were also a few texts from Lexa that urged Murphy to come get his shit so they could leave since a snowstorm had started and the roads would get bad soon. 

“Actually do you think you could just take me over? I don’t want you to wake Raven and Lexa wants me to get over there as soon as I can,” Murphy said. 

“Sure,” Clarke said, handing him a cup of coffee that Murphy sipped on eagerly, not minding that it was sweeter than he usually drank. “I’m just gonna go take a quick shower and I’ll take you over. Is that okay?” 

“Yeah ‘course. Thank you Clarke, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me y’know.”

“I’ve been burned by Bellamy Blake too. It’d be a crime for me to leave you to deal with the mess by yourself when I’ve already been through it,” she said with a shrug, walking into the hallway bathroom, and locking it with a click. 

-

Bellamy woke up to the sound of the front door opening, blood still sticky on his legs and hands from when he had picked up the rest of the glass. His eyes and throat still ached from his incessant crying the night before and the dull pain reminded him of what he had done last night. 

“Fuck,” Bellamy mumbled to himself. He remembered all of the desperate texts and voicemails he had left Murphy and buried his face in his hands. “I’m such an idiot.”

“Hey! Only I’m allowed to call you that,” Octavia said after walking into the room. “You look like shit.”

“I feel like shit,” Bellamy said. “Octavia I’m so sorry for everything I said last night I was way out of line and-”

“-It’s okay. I was way out of line too. Let’s just talk about this some other time, y’know, when it isn’t Christmas.” 

Bellamy nodded at that and shuffled off of the couch, walking up to his bedroom with Octavia trailing behind. “I really do look like shit,” he grimaced, looking at himself in the mirror with a self-deprecating laugh. “Hey, who’s here? I heard the door open.”

“I haven’t been near the front door so I’m not sure but I do have a hunch that it’s your boyfriend. He left his stuff here and Lexa stayed the night”

Bellamy felt the subconscious urge that he needed to argue with Octavia once more and convince her that Murphy wasn’t his boyfriend, but he knew that he couldn’t keep lying anymore. If he kept lying, he would lose Murphy, and that was worse than losing anybody else. 

“He doesn’t want to see me,” Bellamy said with a frown. “He probably hates me now.”

“Only one way to find out,” Octavia said and Bellamy nodded, standing up to follow her out of his bedroom. Bellamy still looked like a mess but he couldn’t be bothered to care. 

“Good morning Octavia,” Aurora said from where she sat, reading in the main living room. “Bellamy.”

“Mom,” Bellamy started. “Can we talk? About last night?” 

“I’ll make sure Murphy doesn’t leave,” Octavia said, walking off to find him. Bellamy nodded and looked back at his mother. 

“I don’t know what else there is to say. You lied to me,” she said. 

“You know why I lied to you mom. You- you care so much about appearances and reputation and you already love Octavia more than me and I didn’t want to ruin Christmas by making you angry with me which I already did,” Bellamy said, rambling. “Mom I just- I don’t want to lose you more than I already have okay? I’m sorry for lying.”

Bellamy stared up at his mother who made no effort to look back at him. Octavia followed Murphy, Lexa, Clarke up the basement stairs where the three of them were holding his things, ready to escort him back home. They stopped in their tracks however when they arrived at the living room, not wanting to interrupt the scene. 

“So it is true? You’re gay?” 

“Yes,” Bellamy said. “I’m- I’m gay and I’m in love with Murphy and there’s nothing you can say or do to change that. I’m not a kid anymore. I know who I am.”

Bellamy looked back up at his mother, hoping she would say something reassuring but she just got up out of her chair and said, “I need some time to process this. I’ll be in my office,” and walked away. 

“Bellamy,” Octavia said quietly, and Bellamy turned around to look at Murphy, Lexa, and Clarke who stood next to her. Lexa and Clarke looked like they wanted to rip his head off and Murphy wore a blank expression on his face. 

“Murphy I- I did it I told my mom and I don’t think she likes it very much but I told her and we don’t have to hide anymore-” 

“-Bellamy I can’t,” Murphy said. “ Last night was insane and I need space away from whoever this town has turned you into. It’s like I don’t even recognize you anymore. I need to leave- I can’t keep doing this.”

Bellamy’s face fell. “But I- I told her? Isn’t that what you wanted? Murphy come on-”

“-Leave it, Bellamy,” Clarke sneered. “You’ve done enough.” 

Bellamy said nothing after that and watched Murphy leave his house silently as fresh tears burned behind his eyes. He waited until Lexa and Clarke both pulled out of the house’s driveway to speak. “Now they both hate me,” Bellamy croaked out. “They hate me and I ruined everything. I always ruin everything.”

“Mom doesn’t hate you and Murphy certainly doesn’t hate you,” Octavia promised, lifting up her hand to rub his arm. “It’s gonna be okay big brother. And worse comes to worst, you’ll still have me.”

“I just wanted to make everybody happy. I- I wanted things to work. Octavia, I don’t know what I’m gonna do-”

“-Right now you’re gonna follow me upstairs so we can clean your cuts. Then after that, you’re just going to wait and give the both of them space,” she said. “Everything is gonna be fine.”

Bellamy wished he could believe his younger sister but this was turning out to be the worst week of his entire life. It was almost impressive how he had managed to ruin Christmas Eve, Christmas, his relationship with his boyfriend, his relationship with his mother, and nearly his relationship with his sister. “God I am such a fuck up,” Bellamy said as Octavia dragged up into the hallway bathroom. 

“Just because you fucked up doesn’t mean you’re a fuck up,” Octavia corrected. “Your fuck ups don’t define you.”

“Says the girl that never fucks up,” Bellamy retorted. 

“Yesterday mom found out Lincoln and I are divorced and that I was lying to her for months about it. Then after that, I outed you and Murphy to a bunch of our extended family and all of our family friends,” she said. “Oh, and I also was the one who broke the glass that caused all of these.” 

Bellamy winced at the alcohol on his cuts. “It’s okay O.”

“But it’s not! I have been an awful sister to you all week, for the past few years really,” she said, “but, I’m gonna make it up to you.”

“Octavia you don’t need to do anything to make anything up to me. I’ve been an awful brother to you for so many reasons. We’re even.”

Octavia looked up at her brother and smiled. “Truce?” Octavia held out her arm and Bellamy knew what to do. 

“Truce,” he said, mirroring her so that they could grip each other’s forearm. It was a handshake of sorts that Aurora always made them do when they were kids after they had a fight. The gesture made Bellamy smile back at her. 

“I still am going to make it up to you though.”

“Oh really?” Bellamy asked with a smirk. “By doing what exactly?” 

Octavia smirked at Bellamy with a gleam of ambition in her eyes. “I’m gonna help you get Murphy back.”

-

On December 26th John Murphy woke up feeling exactly like he did when he went to sleep. He did all the normal mundane things he normally would do during a break from school, but this was the first one he had spent without Bellamy in a while. There was no spontaneous manufactured stargazing after museum hours or candlelit picnic dates that Bellamy insisted on because Murphy deserved romance right out of an old age romance novel. He was a literature major after all, so Bellamy had a lot to compete with. 

Murphy missed Bellamy like he was missing a limb.

“Hello?” Murphy said, waking up bleary-eyed. 

“ _ Murphy? _ ”

“Raven. Hey,” Murphy said. “Why’d you call?”

“ _ Figured I’d check in on my favorite orphan _ .”

Murphy grinned. “Gee thanks, Raven. You're my favorite orphan too.”

“ _ I better be. Especially since I’m your only orphan friend _ ,” Raven said. “ _ So? _ ”

“So what?”

“ _ How are you? It’s been three days and I haven’t received any texts or calls. _ ”

Murphy furrowed his eyebrows, exiting out of the call to look at the calendar on his phone. It  _ had _ been three days. “I don’t know. Just contemplating and stuff.”

“ _ Okay. Well if you need anything Clarke and I are around. Just give one of us a call. _ ”

“Will do. Thanks,” Murphy said before hanging up the phone. 

He leaned back onto his bed, well,  _ their _ bed, and sighed loudly. Murphy couldn’t remember the last time he felt so depressed and bent out of shape. He knew that he was supposed to be taking time for himself, staying away from, lying, jerk, ass-kissing, Bellamy Blake, but he didn’t want to. Murphy just wanted all of the drama to be other with and for Bellamy to come home already and fix everything. 

“-But I can’t trust him anymore Lex. I still love him but that trip changed our relationship a lot and I’m not sure that we can push through those changes,” Murphy confessed. 

“Murphy I’m going to support you no matter what you do okay? Just take care of yourself and remember to keep your standards high. You shouldn’t settle for anything less than you deserve, and Bellamy certainly doesn’t deserve you.”

“Thanks, Lexa,” Murphy said. 

Then, on December 29th, Bellamy left Murphy another voicemail. This time, Murphy listened. 

“ _ Hey _ -” Murphy noticed that Bellamy’s voice was hoarse and empty, but kept listening.  _ “-I know that it’s uh- like three am or something right now. I actually don’t know the specific reason I called, I mean, I have a shit ton of reasons but I just felt spontaneous I guess. My mom still hasn’t spoken to me since Christmas, presents are still under the tree and everything, _ ” Bellamy stopped for a moment, letting out some noise in between a chuckle and a shaky breath, and then continued to speak. “ _ If I could go back in time and make this entire stupid trip about us instead of being selfish and making everything about me I would. I- I was just trying to make everyone happy because I didn’t want to lose my mom but I didn’t want to lose you either and now- _ ” Bellamy’s voice cracked, as he muttered, “ _ now I’ve lost both of you _ .”

Murphy sighed, looking at the window in their bedroom. He remembered how Bellamy had stood there, looking at the snow and the Christmas lights just weeks prior, how Bellamy forced Murphy to get out of bed in the middle of the night so Murphy could look at the lights with him. 

“ _ I miss you _ ,” Bellamy’s voice said over the phone. “ _ I miss you so much and I love you. I would do anything I mean literally anything to make this whole mess go away and to be with you again. I can’t lose you and I _ -” Bellamy cut himself off with a sharp intake of breath. “ _ -I’m sorry _ .” Then the phone went silent. 

Murphy couldn’t sleep. He actually hadn’t been able to sleep for any of the nights after Christmas unless he got himself drunk, high, or knocked himself out with unhealthy amounts of melatonin gummies. So, sitting there feeling sleep deprived and lonely, Murphy dialed Bellamy’s number as soon as the voicemail ended. 

Murphy knew Bellamy would pick up, he had just left the voicemail minutes ago, and Murphy couldn’t decide if actually he wanted Bellamy to pick up or not. “ _ Murphy? _ ” he heard Bellamy’s voice say. Bellamy had answered before the first ring. “ _ Murphy? Are you there? _ ”

Murphy said nothing and blinked tears out of his eyes, hanging up the phone and shoving his face into Bellamy’s side of the bed. The pillow smelled like the honey-scented shampoo Bellamy always used to maintain his crazy curls and the mahogany of the cologne he always wore ever since Murphy told him he liked it. 

Murphy gripped the pillow like the lifeline, hoping that somehow some Christmas miracle would turn it into Bellamy, but that didn’t happen. Murphy floated in and out of consciousness until the sun rose, when conscious he cried, and when unconscious he dreamed of golden-brown eyes and freckled skin that was always just out of reach. 

-

On December 26th Bellamy didn’t wake up, he simply just was up. Sleep wasn’t something that came easy to his racing mind, coming up with scenarios and schemes to try and show Murphy that he did love him, that Murphy could trust Bellamy, that Bellamy wasn’t embarrassed to be with him. 

Octavia scolded him and reminded him that eye bags and achy limbs weren’t going to convince Murphy to come back, but Bellamy didn’t pay much attention to that. He couldn’t sleep anyway, so he might as well make himself useful. 

Bellamy spent the next three days self-reflecting, talking to his therapist who had agreed to an emergency appointment on such short notice, and giving his mother peace offerings. None of those things so far had made Bellamy feel any better, so Bellamy picked up his phone.

“ _ Hello? _ ” 

“Please don’t hang up,” Bellamy said. 

“ _ Bellamy? _ ” Clarke said. “ _ What the hell do you want? _ ”

“Can we meet somewhere? To talk?”

“ _ No, we can’t. I don’t owe you shit Bellamy. _ ”

“I know you don’t I just thought that-”

“ _ -You thought that what? You could take me out to lunch or something and it’d make up for almost a decade of you pretending I don’t exist? _ ”

“I’m not trying to make it up to you because I know that I can’t and I don’t deserve that kind of forgiveness anyways,” Bellamy said. “I’m just done lying and pretending to be someone I’m not. I’ve hurt everyone I love already and I figured that- I don’t know. You’re right. I shouldn’t have called.”

“ _ Fine _ ,” Clarke said. “ _ I’m sending you the address to my apartment right now. If you’re not here in ten minutes or less I’m not letting you inside. _ ” Clarke hung up after that and sure enough, Bellamy received the address over text right after. 

Bellamy got in the car and tried to ignore Murphy’s favorite peppermint gum sitting in the cup holder or the blanket in the backseat that Murphy had used on their drive down. He was semi-successful as Bellamy did not cry but his heart still burned in his chest and not in the way it usually did when he saw things that reminded him of his boyfriend.

The door to the apartment was opened by a pissed-off-looking Raven Reyes and then shut and locked after Bellamy stepped inside. The apartment was cute and cozy and there were houseplants everywhere, but Bellamy hardly felt comfortable with two pairs of threatening eyes glaring at him. 

“So,” Clarke said, sitting down on her couch with an unimpressed look. “Are you gonna talk or are you just gonna stand there?”

“Right- sorry- um-” Bellamy sat on the other end of the couch. “Clarke-”

“-Yes?” 

Bellamy looked into Clarke’s guarded blue eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” Bellamy said. “For everything not just what happened freshman year but for continuing to ignore you for years and for letting my friends talk shit about you and spread rumors and for just overall being an asshole and a bad person. I know I should’ve apologized a while ago and this has been a long time coming and I don’t expect you to forgive me or anything. I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry.”

Clarke took a long sip from her tea and glanced up at Bellamy. “Okay,” she shrugged. “I accept your apology.”

Bellamy looked bewildered. “What?”

“I don’t like holding grudges. I honestly forgave you a while ago. I’ve just been angrier at you recently because of everything that happened with Murphy. I was hoping you would’ve changed by now.”

“I have changed!”

“Actions beat words Bellamy,” Raven scolded from the kitchen. “I saw you mess things up with Murphy repeatedly all night long. I bet if I hadn’t dragged him to my apartment you probably would’ve found another way to hurt him.”

“But I have changed! I have no problem being out and being with Murphy publicly at all! It’s just my mom-”

“-Aurora isn’t the boss of you. At a certain point you need to set your priorities straight,” Clarke said. 

“I tried. I told her. You were there!”

“You waited too long. You only told her because she already knew, not because you wanted to,” Clarke explained. 

“That’s not-”

“-Not true? Okay. Then prove it.”

“How the hell am I supposed to prove that? The damage has already been done. It’s over.”

“I don’t know,” Clarke sighed, “but I hope for Murphy’s sake that you figure it out.”

“Yeah, me too,” Bellamy said. 

Clarke and Bellamy heard Raven’s phone ring for a moment on the other side of the room before she picked it up with a brief, “hello?”

“Yeah he’s here,” Raven said into the phone. “Why?” Raven groaned and walked over to the couch, setting her phone on the coffee table and putting it on speaker. 

“What’s going on?” Bellamy asked. 

“ _ Why haven’t you been answering any of my texts? _ ” Octavia said. “ _ I had an epiphany. _ ”

“I must’ve left my phone in the car- Octavia is this so urgent that you called around to find me? What are you talking about?”

“ _ Remember what we were talking about last night? The plan? _ ”

“What plan?” Clarke said. Raven shushed her. 

“Yeah?” Bellamy responded. “But we agreed that it wouldn’t work.”

“ _ Okay here me out _ ,” Octavia said, “ _ three words. New. Years. Eve. _ ”

“Mom’s having her New Year’s Eve party? I thought she-”

“ _ -she is! I didn’t think so either but I overheard her ordering catering for it this morning. _ ”

“Okay will one of you fill me in because you’re using my phone to talk very vaguely about a secret plan and I’m starting to get annoyed,” Raven said. 

“ _ I’m helping Bellamy get Murphy back _ .” 

“But you guys didn’t even break up?” Clarke said. “Did you?”

Bellamy sighed. “I honestly don’t know. He hasn’t responded to any of my calls or texts

or anything. Even when we argue or need space apart he’ll always say something. Things feel different this time.”

“Yeah probably because you broke the poor kid’s heart,” Raven said. “Why do you feel the need to impress him? Shouldn’t he just come back to you if he wants to?”

“Murphy isn’t like that. He doesn’t just do whatever he wants because he doesn’t like rejection. He needs to feel appreciated, reassured, wanted, in order for him to even consider coming back. Especially after the shit I pulled I need to do something to prove that I’m not ashamed to be with him.”

“I don’t know,” Clarke said. “Murphy doesn’t seem like the type to like big romantic gestures.”

“All three of you have only known him for a matter of days! I’ve been with him for over a year! I think I know what he wants more than any of you do!” Bellamy said. “He’s a fucking literature major for crying out loud. He’s read every romance novel you can think of.”

Raven took a breath. “Okay, so since you know Murphy _ so _ well, what is the plan?”

“ _ New Year’s Eve party _ ,” Octavia said through the phone. 

_ “ _ My plan is the New Year’s Eve party,” Bellamy repeated with a heavy sigh, hands on his hips.

“Yeah, but what’s the real plan? How is Murphy even getting here?”

“Shit,” Bellamy said. “Lexa.”

“ _ Do you think you’ll be able to get Lexa on board? _ ” Octavia said. 

“I don’t know,” Bellamy replied. 

Raven sighed loudly and sat down on the couch between Clarke and Bellamy. “I suppose that if you need help with the plan- I can get on board,” she said hesitantly. 

“Really?” Bellamy said with a smile. 

“I’ve known you my entire life Bellamy. Even though I’m pissed at you I know that you’re not an entirely horrible person,” she said. “Plus I’m not helping you for you. I’m helping you for Murphy.”

Bellamy grinned from ear to ear. “ _ Thank you Raven for joining the cause, _ ” Octavia said. 

Raven looked at Clarke for a moment and Clarke threw her head back and groaned. “Fine! I’m in too,” she said. “But only because Raven wants me to. And because of Murphy.”

“ _ Great _ .  _ Operation win Murphy back is a go _ ,” Octavia said, and the phone went silent.


	6. six

On December 30th, Aurora Blake woke up feeling guilty as ever. She wasn’t a homophobe, at least she didn’t think she was. Reputation and elegance were just things that the Blakes always deemed important for generations. Aurora had a beautifully mapped out plan for both Bellamy and Octavia’s lives, and homosexuality wasn’t a part of that plan. 

After Aurora cut off Bellamy from Clarke Griffin she remained unchanged. Still strict and conservative and always paying attention, especially to Bellamy. Aurora understood Octavia and she reminded Aurora of herself, but Aurora had a hard time understanding and connecting with Bellamy, that’s why she was always so much harsher with him. Octavia understood the Blake family values and followed them without question most of the time, whereas Bellamy either questioned authority or made his own path, frequently one that Aurora wished he wouldn’t go down. 

When the disaster that was Christmas Eve happened, it was all a lot to process. Aurora knew Bellamy was lying, she knew that he was gay, she always did. The signs were all there but she ignored them, pushed them aside. Instead of being supportive she was condescending and manipulative, but in retrospect, she had realized that that type of parenting couldn’t cure the boy’s homosexuality, nothing could. It wasn’t something to be cured at all. 

Getting word of Octavia’s divorce was also something Aurora did not take lightly, but that was something she could live with and get over. But the situation with Bellamy? She wasn’t so sure. Aurora hadn’t even spoken to her son since Christmas when Bellamy officially came out to her and Murphy left. She had no idea how to react or what to say. 

“Hey, mom?” Octavia said from behind her office door. “Can I come in?”

“Yes Octavia,” Aurora said. “What do you need?”

“I was wondering if we could open presents since we didn’t on Christmas,” she said. “Y’know, as a family.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Aurora said. She turned her attention back towards her computer and started typing something. 

“Can you at least talk to him?” Octavia asked. 

Aurora didn’t look at her daughter. “He lied to me, Octavia.”

“So did I!”

“It’s different-”

“-Why? Because you’re a homophobe?”

“Don’t call me that,” Aurora snapped back. “I just want the best for him! For both of you! I don’t want him to have a more difficult life than he has to.”

“Well, if you don’t want him to have a difficult life you could start by helping him mend his relationship with his mother,” Octavia said. “If that’s really all this is about, and not just about you not liking that he’s gay, then you’ll talk to him.” Octavia didn’t give Aurora a chance to respond after that and left the office with her arms crossed. 

“How’d it go?” Lincoln asked from where he stood in front of the Keurig, coincidentally at the same time Bellamy uttered the same words from the dining room. 

“Why are you even still here?” Bellamy said. 

“You guys are still my family. We’re still friends. Aren’t we?” Lincoln said. “You want coffee?” 

“Sure,” Bellamy said, watching Lincoln walk over to Octavia and hand her a cup of coffee. “So you’re in on this whole thing too?” Bellamy asked. 

“Why not?” Lincoln said. “Murphy seems like a nice guy. If you make each other happy why wouldn’t I want to help you guys fix things if I’m able to help y’know?”

Bellamy smirked. “You surprise me every time I see you Lincoln. I can’t believe it took you guys getting divorced for me to see that you’re not a terrible person.”

“Lincoln’s never been a terrible person,” Octavia said. 

“I know I know. I’m just an overprotective control freak. Always have been always will be.”

“You get that from mom,” Octavia said. Bellamy’s content expression faltered. “I really don’t think she’s gonna ignore you forever Bell. She just needs time to get used to it. She’ll come around.”

“I guess,” Bellamy said. 

“Before she wasn’t even talking to me, not really. But now she is! And she talked to me about you!”

“What’s your point?” 

“There wasn’t hope before, and now there’s hope,” Octavia said with a smile. 

Bellamy prayed that Octavia was right. 

-

Lexa was sitting on the couch eating greasy popcorn with Murphy’s legs in her lap when her phone started to buzz. Murphy reached to pause the movie but Lexa hung up the phone before he did. 

“Who was it?” Murphy asked, and the phone buzzed again. 

Lexa tried hanging up once more but the phone just kept buzzing and buzzing and buzzing until finally- “What the hell do you want?”

“ _ Lexa I need your help with something please just hear me out _ ,” Bellamy said. Murphy was still looking at her strangely and asking quietly who it was but she just waved him off. 

“Why should I do that?” 

“ _ Because I’m in love with Murphy and I’m miserable. If Murphy is fine then that’s great because he’s better off without me anyways, but if he’s not, then I think you should help me. I want to fix what I did Lexa. _ ”

Lexa paused for a moment, looking up at Murphy whose eyes were tired but whose hands were also shoving popcorn into his mouth gleefully as they watched another awful rom-com they’d already seen thousands of times. “I can’t help you.” She hung up the phone and glanced over at Murphy. “Just some guy trying to sell me stuff.”

“What guy? What stuff?” Murphy said. “You’re lying.”

Lexa scoffed. “No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. You’re a terrible liar,” Murphy accused. 

“Yeah well I could be a lot worse,” she said with malice. “Like  _ other people _ .”

Murphy sighed and paused the movie. “That was Bellamy.”

Lexa shook her head but didn’t tell Murphy he was wrong. “He has no right trying to contact you or us after what he did. He’s supposed to be giving you space.”

Murphy shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Murphy-”

“-I’m not saying I forgive him! I just- I love him and I want this all to stop. I want things to go back to the way they were.” Lexa didn’t say anything in response to that and started the movie back up again. After around an hour had passed, Lexa still had her eyes on the screen and Murphy was fast asleep on the other side of the couch, stomach full of popcorn and feeling a lot warmer than he did in his own apartment.

The movie soon ended and Lexa was about to wake up Murphy, but a buzz cut her off. She walked over to the door and pressed the small button underneath the speaker. 

“Who is this?”

“ _ It’s Clarke and Raven. Bellamy gave us your address. Can you please buzz us up? _ ” Lexa heard Clarke say behind the static of the outdated intercom system. Lexa looked back at Murphy who seemed to be sleeping for the first time in days. She reluctantly buzzed them up and waited quietly by her door. 

When she heard their footsteps coming, Lexa walked outside her apartment and shut the door. “Hey,” Clarke said. “We haven’t officially met. I’m Clarke and this is my girlfriend Raven-”

“-We’ve met. To what do I owe the pleasure?” Lexa said with a skeptical voice. If Bellamy had sent them here she doubted they were up to anything good. 

“We need your help.”

“God not you too,” Lexa groaned. “I’m not helping Bellamy. I love him and he’s one of my closest friends but he hurt Murphy. Badly. Bellamy should feel lucky that he’s even alive right now.”

“Listen I don’t like Bellamy anymore than you do- we’ve been estranged for almost ten years,” Clarke said. 

“What’s your point?” Lexa said. 

“If I can find it in me to help, so can you.”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “Why are we out here anyway?” Raven asked. 

“Murphy’s asleep inside. Didn’t want to wake him up,” Lexa explained. “That’s another reason why I don’t want to help Bellamy. Murphy’s miserable because of him, because of what he did. This is the first time Murphy’s slept in days.”

“That’s exactly why you should help,” Raven said. “Bellamy made one really bad mistake that led to everything getting ruined but now Bellamy and Murphy are both miserable-”

“-It’s Bellamy’s own fault that he’s miserable,” Lexa argued. 

“Yeah maybe,” Clarke said. “But you know Murphy better than anybody else does. Does Murphy feel like he can just get over Bellamy? Murphy won’t be able to forget about him. You can’t keep them apart forever.”

Lexa remembered when Murphy had shown her the ring he had made for Bellamy. She knew that Murphy was head over heels for him, but she wanted to protect Murphy. She had to. 

“I need to protect him.”

“From what? Being happy again?” Raven asked. “Like I said, I’m livid right now over this whole thing, but just from hearing Murphy talk to me about Bellamy and watching the way his eyes lit up, is enough for me to know that they have something special. The sooner they can get this hardship behind them the sooner they can both get back to being happy. Don’t you want that?” 

Lexa faltered from her harsh facade for a moment. She’d watched Murphy fall in love with Bellamy every day since they’d gotten together. She was there for every argument, every obstacle, and even though she would get angry with Bellamy for it, she couldn’t stay mad for long. They always found a way to make it up to each other, to make it work, and they made each other happier than anybody Lexa had ever seen together. If soulmates were real, Lexa was sure Bellamy and Murphy fell into that category. 

“Fine,” she sighed. “What do I have to do?”

-

On December 31st, Bellamy was freaking the fuck out. 

He hadn’t heard a word back from Lexa, Clarke, or Raven about the Murphy situation and Aurora still hadn’t spoken to him. All he knew was that the party was in a matter of hours and if he didn’t get his shit together the entire plan would fall apart. Now, there really wasn’t much structure to this plan, but the main important thing was Murphy physically being there. So if he wasn’t, the plan would surely fail.

In the bedroom next to Bellamy’s Aurora was doing her makeup and looking through her jewelry to find earrings that might match the necklace she planned to wear. She was surprised that her usual guests agreed to come to the party after the insanity that was Christmas Eve, but she assured them that that was a one time issue and that there would be extra wine, so they agreed. 

Aurora finally found her favorite pair of diamonds and slipped them into her earlobes when a familiar sparkle caught her eye in her jewelry box. It was her mother’s engagement ring. 

When her mother died and then her father shortly after, her mother’s engagement ring was left to her in the will as promised, or at least to hold onto until Bellamy was ready to have it. Her mother always told her that she wanted him to have the ring to give to his future wife when he proposed. Aurora had nearly given it to him before he broke up with Gina. 

She lifted up the ring to shine in the sunlight and reveled in how the small diamonds on it sparkled. It was a simple, elegant ring for Aurora’s simple, elegant mother but it was beautiful nonetheless. Aurora took in a deep, apprehensive breath after her realization. She knew what she had to do. 

“Not now Octavia,” Bellamy’s voice said through the wooden door of his bedroom. His voice was tense and he sounded stressed. It made Aurora’s heart ache for her son and she realized that she should’ve done what she was about to do a very,  _ very _ long time ago. 

“Bellamy it’s me,” Aurora said. “Can I come in?”

Bellamy responded with a quiet, “yes” and opened the door for her. The room was a mess and the bed was unmade but Aurora didn’t mention it and sat down on the bench at the end of his bed. 

“Will you sit?” Aurora asked. Bellamy sat next to her, fidgeting and avoided eye contact. “I just want to start off by apologizing for everything I have ever done to make you think I don’t love you for who you are,” she said. “I thought I was being helpful when I made you stop being friends with Clarke or when I invited Gina out to dinner but, I should’ve just talked to you. I thought I was protecting you but I was just protecting myself from questions and rude remarks I might get from my friends, and that was selfish. I’m sorry.”

Bellamy looked up at her. “It’s okay.”

“I made you feel like a stranger in your own home. I didn’t talk to you for days just because you felt like you couldn’t tell me that you were gay. That’s not okay,” Bellamy said nothing and Aurora took his hand in hers. “I love you so, so much and I promise I will try to be less controlling about your life in the future. I come from a very strict and conservative upbringing and you know that but I promise I will do my best to understand. I want you to help me understand.”

Bellamy nodded, letting tears roll down his face after she finished speaking and Aurora leaned over to embrace Bellamy rubbing his back like she used to when he was young. “I- thought- I thought you were never going to- talk to me again,” Bellamy said softly through a series of strained breaths.

“I know, and that’s my fault; I talked to Octavia and I’m going to be a better mom from now on okay? No more secrets,” she said. Aurora leaned back to kiss Bellamy on the forehead and rub the rest of his tears from his face. “Oh! I almost forgot.”

Bellamy looked at her curiously and she pulled him from his bedroom into hers. “Close your eyes,” she said, nudging him to sit down on her bed. After some shuffling noise, she placed something that felt small and soft in his hands. “Okay, open.”

When Bellamy opened his eyes he saw a black square velvet box that he assumed had some kind of jewelry in it. “Should I open it?” he asked. Aurora nodded and watched as his eyes grew comically large when he saw the diamond ring. “Why-”

“-It was my mother’s engagement ring. She always wanted you to have it,” Aurora explained. “Well, she really always wanted your future wife to have it but- things change.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Bellamy said, grinning in disbelief. “This is crazy. I can’t take this.” Bellamy tried to hand the box back to his mother but she pushed it back into his chest. “Mom-”

“-Bellamy. Take the ring,” she said. “Now, how long have you been dating Murphy?” 

“Well it had been a few months and a year before Christmas when I ruined everything, so we might not even be together anymore actually.” Bellamy cleared his throat loudly to try and get rid of the lump forming there. 

“You don’t think putting a ring on it might change his mind, do you?” she said. Bellamy looked at her like she’d grown two heads. “What? If you’re going to marry a boy Murphy isn’t a bad one. He’s handsome and polite and he’s in graduate school for literature Bellamy! Literature!”

Bellamy looked down and smiled. “Well, we were sort of formulating this plan, for me to win Murphy back and everything.”

“Who’s we?”

“Me, Octavia, Lincoln, Raven, Murphy’s best friend Lexa,” he said, “even Clarke agreed to help me.”

“Wow. Some team you got there,” she said, “Was that who came into the house on Christmas morning? I heard a bunch of noise but I just thought it was you and Octavia being all rowdy again and I didn’t want to involve myself.”

“Yeah, they came to get Murphy’s stuff and leave. But, if the plan works, he should be here tonight. For the party.”

“For the party?” Aurora asked. “You weren’t going to ask me about this?”

“We made up the plan when I thought you hated me so I figured causing a commotion wouldn’t make things any worse than they already were.”

“Well, as long as whatever commotion happens is in the name of love and you don’t break anything like last time, I don’t have a problem with it,” she said. 

Bellamy paused for a moment, internalizing what his mother said before. “I’m really happy that you came around,” he said. 

“Me too.”

Just then, the two Blakes heard Octavia's voice echo through the house’s halls. “Bellamy!” she shouted. “Bellamy!”

Bellamy peaked his head out of Aurora’s bedroom and Octavia sent him a knowing smile. She had been right that Aurora came around, but would wait to say “I told you so” until the serious matters had been taken care of. 

“What?” Bellamy said. 

“Raven just called,” Octavia said. “They’re on their way.”

-

Lexa Woods sat in the driver's seat of her old, onyx-colored Jeep as the musical genius of Mother Mother flowed through the car's speakers. Clarke and Raven were asleep on each other in the backseat and Murphy was staring out the window, probably feeling sorry for himself. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” Lexa asked. Murphy didn’t respond. “Murphy?” She elbowed him roughly and snapped him out of his dissociative state. 

“What?” he asked. 

“Nevermind,” Lexa said. 

“Y’know it’s really rude that you won’t tell me what’s going on. Are you Clarke and Raven taking me somewhere to harvest my organs and eat me?” he asked. “This is definitely kidnapping to some degree.”

“Murphy I bribed you to get in the car with food.”

“Which I still have not been given  _ by the way _ ,” he said. When Lexa didn’t say anything Murphy just groaned in annoyance and opened his phone. He mentally scolded himself when his heart sunk. He had no more missed calls, texts, or voicemails from Bellamy even though he shouldn’t care. Even the voice in his head saying Bellamy’s name made Murphy’s eyes water. 

A few hours later Clarke and Raven were awake and playing shitty car games with each other and sometimes Lexa, but Murphy refused to join, annoyed that nobody was telling him anything. They had gotten in the car when it was already late but with the clock nearing ten o’clock, Murphy was beginning to get agitated. “I thought you were gonna take me to some cool New Year’s Eve banger as a surprise,” Murphy said. “We probably aren’t even gonna get to your mystery location by midnight.”

“Murphy can you please just trust me?”

“All week all I have been hearing is ‘oh it’ll be fine Murphy’ ‘oh it’s okay don’t worry about it Murphy’ ‘just give it a few hours’ ‘just give it a few days’ well guess what? I’m over it,” he said. “Lexa tell me where we’re going or I will literally barrel roll out of this moving car.”

Lexa sighed and looked back at Raven and Clarke. “We didn’t tell you because we didn’t think you would agree to come.”

“We’re taking you back to the Blakes’ house.”

Murphy rubbed his temples and put his head in his hands. The girls thought he was going to snap at them for tricking him into getting in the car, but he lifted his head and he was laughing hysterically instead. “You guys- let me leave the apartment-  _ knowing _ we were going to the Blakes- wearing this?” he said. “I thought we were going to a fucking New Year’s Eve party.”

For some hilariously tragic reason, none of the girls had thought to tell Murphy to wear something different. His eyes were lined with eyeliner and smudged to blend in with glitter that was also in his hair. Not to mention the leather jacket over a cropped black shirt and black ripped jeans he also was wearing. The other girls started to laugh with Murphy, scanning his outfit. 

“You really went all out didn’t you?” Lexa said. “It’s been so long since we went to one of those shady garage parties. I forgot that you’d always dress like this.”

“Jesus Christ this is going to be humiliating,” Murphy groaned, still grinning.

“Yeah maybe for anybody else when they see they didn’t get the memo,” Raven said. “You look fucking  _ hot _ .”

“I look like a teenage HBO Euphoria wannabe.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Clarke said. 

“Even though Bellamy’s an asshole and his mom’s an asshole and his sister’s an asshole, I still want them all to like me,” Murphy said. 

“Yeah but this is you,” Lexa said. “If they don’t like this,” Lexa moved her hand from the wheel to gesture to Murphy’s appearance, “then they don’t deserve you at all.”

“Damn right,” Raven agreed. 

After the group’s brief reveal of where they were headed, Murphy felt a lot less annoyed and a lot more nervous than he had originally planned to. He had been doing a half-decent job of distracting himself and trying not to think about Bellamy because that was what you were supposed to do on a “break” with someone. That was what Murphy thought that night would be too, a distraction, but now he was sitting and waiting for whatever dreadful thing was waiting for him at the Blake house. Part of him knew it was all a part of some elaborate apology scheme to win Murphy back even though there was no need for that at all, but that didn’t help ease his nerves. 

Part of Murphy also thought that he was being taken all this way just for Bellamy to dump him in front of a crowded room of people to prove his straightness to his mother but Murphy knew Bellamy better than that and Lexa and Raven and Clarke wouldn’t be helping him do that right? Murphy was a “textbook overthinker” as his therapist said, and she was definitely correct. 

Murphy’s jeans felt too tight all of the sudden and his crop top seemed like it cropped way too high. Looking in his phone camera at his makeup just made him feel worse because how on Earth was Bellamy and his family meant to take Murphy seriously when he looked like he was fresh out of high school on his way to rave? Even if this was an elaborate ruse to get Murphy to take Bellamy back would Bellamy change his mind when he saw Murphy? When he kissed Murphy? What if everything was different? What if-

“-Murphy you okay over there?” Lexa said. 

“I’m doing fantastic, thanks for asking,” Murphy said, putting away his phone and wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans. The car felt way too hot at that moment and he slid off his leather jacket, throwing it down by his feet. His head was spinning and his stomach was churning and-

“-No you’re not.” Murphy didn’t respond, he just sat there and kept sweating while he counted his breathing so he didn’t pass out or throw up everywhere. The car came to a stop, and Lexa got out of the car to walk around to Murphy’s side. When she opened the door the gust of cold air felt like heaven on Murphy’s skin. 

“Lexa,” he said, “I feel- bad.”

“I know Murph, just get out of the car. The cold will make you feel better,” she said, holding onto his thin arms to help him out of the car until his shoes hit the snow. 

“Lex- I feel like I’m gonna throw up,” Murphy panted, sounding small and vulnerable all of the sudden. “I can’t. I don’t want to.”

“Murphy you’re okay you’re not sick. You just need to keep breathing and calm yourself down. You’re not going to throw up but if you keep freaking yourself out you might.” Murphy nodded and sat down in the snow, breathing heavily. Lexa sat next to him and breathed with him through it until he finally noticed the cold and his teeth started to chatter. 

“You okay to get back inside now?” she asked, concerned.

“Yeah,” Murphy said, getting back in the car. “Sorry, you guys had to witness my little episode over there.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Murphy,” Clarke said. 

“I just have this problem where I overthink a lot and I basically create a panic attack out of nowhere with just my brain. It’s kind of like having a really shitty super-power,” Murphy said. “Oh, that and I also have a phobia of throwing up so then when I get anxious I get nauseous it’s this vicious cycle that never ends well.”

“Murphy if you’re not up for this we don’t have to go,” Raven said. “You don’t owe it to Bellamy to go after the shit he put you through this week.”

“I know,” Murphy said, “but I want to. I miss him. I’m just like-” Murphy paused because he did not want to say the word out loud, but he did anyway. “-I’m scared.”

“Well if it makes you feel any better Bellamy’s probably shitting his pants right now,” Raven said. 

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Murphy joked. “Alright alright, start the car, let’s go. I will not have another panic attack. I promise I’ll save it all for the ride home.”


	7. seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> final chapter !! let me know what you guys thought of the book, always looking for feedback to improve my writing :) happy holidays

The mixed sounds of music and chatter were muffled by Bellamy’s bedroom door. The party had started hours ago but Bellamy was still upstairs messing with his hair and changing his clothes. Oh, and also talking to himself in the mirror and practicing what he was gonna say to Murphy when he arrived. 

Bellamy had never felt more stressed in his life; his hands were shaking and parts of him were sweating that he didn’t know _could_ sweat. “Bellamy?” Octavia knocked. “You in there?”

“Yes? What do you want?” he asked. He wasn’t trying to sound snotty or rude, he was just losing his mind and didn’t need any petty distractions. 

“Your man is gonna be here in like twenty minutes. Raven just texted me.”

Bellamy fell back on his bed, dress shoes and all. “God I’m gonna pass out.”

“No you’re not,” Octavia said, pulling him up. “But you are going to change out of that dress shirt into a different one though. You look feverish.”

“I’m just nervous.”

“Okay well finish whatever you were doing before I came in, get dressed, and come downstairs for a little liquid courage before Murphy gets here alright?” She didn’t wait for Bellamy’s response and shut his bedroom door. 

Bellamy did what Octavia asked and changed out of his sweaty button-down into a maroon sweater that Bellamy remembered Murphy telling him that he liked. Then, Bellamy looked at himself in the mirror, messed with his hair again for a moment, and took a deep breath. As he grabbed the doorknob to leave his bedroom, Bellamy noticed the box his mother had given to him earlier that day sitting on his dresser. He stared at it for a moment, contemplating. “Spontaneity is my thing after all,” he mumbled to himself before slipping the box into the pocket of his pants. 

Bellamy walked down the stairs like a man on a mission, headed straight for the liquor station his mother had set up for her party-goers. Octavia stood beside the table, sipping on some kind of fruit-infused cocktail. 

He immediately reached for a shot glass and a bottle of whiskey. “Hey! I said a _little_ liquid courage. You can’t actually get drunk.”

“It’s just one shot, Octavia. I’m not a lightweight.” She removed the whiskey from his hand and replaced it with a bottle of red wine. 

“I know you and I know you’re going to keep drinking until Murphy gets here so-” Octavia handed him a wine glass, “-you can sip on red wine until he does instead of hard liquor.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes but agreed and poured himself a hefty serving of expensive wine that matched the color of his sweater, gulping down a significant amount. He turned his head to look at the clock on the wall. There was only one hour until midnight and Murphy was bound to be there any second. 

After zoning out for a good ten minutes, whilst continuously drinking wine, Bellamy looked around to try and re-ground himself. He saw Octavia talking to someone on the phone from the other room and then promptly hung up. Then his phone started to ring. 

“Octavia?”

“ _The bird has landed in the nest. I repeat the bird has landed in the nest, over._ ”

“Octavia I already told you that we don’t need to use-”

“- _Come in Loverboy this is O speaking, over._ ”

“Octavia I can literally see you. Can you just-”

“- _The bird is going to leave the nest if you don’t stop arguing with me, over._ ”

“Fine, hanging up, over.” Bellamy rolled his eyes at his sister who was smiling wildly. It was nice to be able to joke around with her again like they were kids. Bellamy hoped things would stay like this between them and that weird, lengthy period of having a sibling rivalry slash being frenemies was finally over. 

Bellamy could hear and sense that Murphy had entered the party before he even saw him. The front door opened and closed and a good portion of the guests got a whole lot quieter, or at least the ones who had the door in view. Then Bellamy took about twenty steps from the bar into the main hall until he was only a few feet from Murphy. 

Murphy tried so, so hard not to smile when he saw Bellamy. He chewed anxiously on his lips and looked away but he couldn’t help it, it was like muscle memory or a dopamine rush or something and unfortunately for him, Bellamy smiled right back. 

Though as soon as the smile appeared on Murphy’s face, it was gone. His features grew clouded with insecurity and hostility when he remembered why they were there, what had happened, and the fact that he and Bellamy were practically broken up. 

“Aurora, did you hire a rock band to play at your party?” a woman sitting nearby bellowed. The woman wasn’t exactly wrong in making an assumption like that, seeing how Murphy was dressed as well as Lexa in all black next to him. Clarke and Raven also fit the bill considering how Raven did not dress up for the party and was in her day-to-day mechanic clothes and Clarke was giving off sapphic-lead-singer vibes with her blonde and pink hair and black pantsuit. 

“If you have a problem Pamela the door is right there,” Aurora said to the woman. Her guests in the room seemed caught off guard by her response, but nobody moved or left the house. 

Bellamy looked Murphy up and down and felt a laugh bubble out of his mouth. Murphy was all kinds of pissed off. “What?” Murphy barked. 

Bellamy gave him a confused look and walked closer to his boyfriend so that rather than standing on opposite ends of the room, they stood face to face. “I wasn’t-”

“-Sure you weren’t. Just like you _weren’t_ going to cheat on me with Gina or how you _weren’t_ ashamed to be with me or how you-”

Bellamy cut Murphy’s ranting off with a hand around his waist and a kiss that made both of them feel like they were drowning in butterflies. At first, Murphy was unresponsive, annoyed, and filled with bottled up rage. He’d always been a hotheaded person, that was one of the things Bellamy loved most about Murphy, his passion, his emotion. Then, when Murphy heard some old, rude, conservative guy wolf-whistling, and he remembered where he was. Bellamy was _actually_ kissing him, _in front of a crowd of people_. Murphy smiled against Bellamy’s lips and returned the kiss eagerly. If they had an audience, they might as well give them a show.

Murphy’s hands fit perfectly along Bellamy’s jaw in the same way that Bellamy’s hands fit perfectly when they moved behind Murphy’s jacket to cup the small of his back. Though the kiss only lasted for several seconds, it felt like it lasted centuries longer than that. 

“I can’t believe you raised a sinner Aurora. I expected better from you,” someone else in the crowd said. 

Murphy practically growled at the man, stepping forward like he was about to pounce on him like a rabid animal. Bellamy touched Murphy’s arm softly, and though Murphy’s face did not change, he stepped back so as to not cause a scene. 

“If you're going to continue to talk about my son that way I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” Aurora said from the back of the room, getting strange looks from everyone, including Murphy. The man scoffed, picking up his blazer from the couch and walking towards the door, bumping into Murphy, before stumbling out the door with alcohol on his breath. 

Bellamy then turned to his audience of dozens of extended family members and friends and smiled anxiously. “Hello everyone,” he said. “I know that midnight is coming up soon and that you all want to get to your significant others and friends and alcohol and everything but I promise this won’t take long.”

Bellamy looked over to his mother who just stood with a small smile on her face. Bellamy knew that this wasn’t what she envisioned for him, but she could tell that he was happy, and in that moment that was what mattered. “My name is Bellamy Blake and I’m gay,” he said, voice shaky. “And this,” Bellamy said, reaching out to hold Murphy’s hand in his, “is Murphy.”

Many members of the audience looked angry, disturbed, disgusted even, not as much as the man who had left had been but still not looking happy about the situation. Nonetheless, Bellamy just kept going. “Murphy is my- well-” 

Murphy chewed on the inside of his cheek. Of course, even when Bellamy and a group of people get together to form some crazy plan revolving around “winning Murphy back” Bellamy can’t even say that Murphy is his- 

“-Murphy is the love of my life.”

Murphy found that with that all of the anger and disappointment in his heart melted away just like how the snow would melt away when the sun rose in the morning. 

“That being said,” Bellamy paused, to get down on one knee in front of Murphy. His hands were trembling and his vision was blurry but he still managed to fish the box out of his pocket. “Murphy I love you, more than I ever thought I could love another person. Being with you makes me feel whole and when I’m not with you it’s like a piece of me is missing or just gone or something.” Murphy’s eyes were wide with disbelief, as well as the eyes of all of their friends. 

Bellamy just smiled as did Aurora. “Was this part of the plan?” Lexa whispered to Raven, Clarke, and Octavia who had wandered over to them in the midst of the madness. Clarke and Octavia’s eyes were still large and glued to the box, so Raven turned to Lexa and said, “if it was he did not tell us about it.” Lexa nodded and turned her attention back to Bellamy and Murphy. 

“I know that I really really _really_ fucked up like- extremely fucked up but I promise that I will never do anything like that ever again. Before this trip I thought my biggest fear would be losing my family and losing their respect and overall losing the life I had here before I moved away,” Bellamy said. “But I was wrong. My biggest fear is losing you,” Bellamy paused to look deep into Murphy’s wide-set ocean blue eyes. “I want to spend eternity with you John Murphy,” He had to whisper the last words of his sentence so that his voice didn’t crack but Murphy hardly noticed, he was still half-shocked and half-overwhelmed. 

Bellamy reached a hand up to rub tears out of his eyes and cleared his voice loudly. “So,” Bellamy said with a smile, opening up the box to reveal the diamonds inside of it, “Murphy-”

“-Bellamy,” Murphy said. “What are you-”

“-Murphy,” Bellamy repeated. “Will you marry me?” 

The house went quiet as Murphy stood there, his pale face painted crimson like a raspberry and one of his hands over top of his mouth in shock. “You’re a fucking idiot if you thought I’d say no,” Murphy said with a wet laugh, “Yes. Of course, I’ll marry you.”

Bellamy laughed with him and stood up to shove the shiny ring on his finger. Surprisingly, despite it being a little tight, the ring did fit. As soon as he had it on, Bellamy engulfed Murphy in a tight hug cupping the back of Murphy’s head gingerly against his shoulder. Murphy pressed himself against Bellamy as much as he possibly could, trying to commit the feeling of warmth and safety and love he felt in that moment to memory. Bellamy ran his fingers along Murphy’s scalp and Murphy felt himself getting Bellamy’s sweater wet with his tears and probably staining it with eyeliner and glitter but he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

Time seemed to stop and go quiet in that moment despite a good amount of cheering from their friends and people at the party who didn’t have sticks up their asses. Murphy and Bellamy were alone in their own little world, putting their foreheads together with matching streaks of happy tears on their faces. 

“I’m so sorry,” Bellamy whispered. “I love you so much and I-”

“-It’s okay. You made it up to me. I forgive you.”

“Are you sure?” Bellamy said. “If you’re not ready for this we don’t have to do this but I want you to know that this wasn’t all some act or a part of some ploy to get you to forgive me. I meant everything I said, including the whole ‘will you marry me’ part.”

“I promise that I do want to marry you. I was actually planning on proposing during this trip,” Murphy laughed. “It doesn’t matter now though. I’m just happy we’re engaged, even though you totally stole my thunder.”

Murphy and Bellamy interlocked fingers and stayed pressed against each other for the remainder of the night as the crowd watching them dispersed and found other things to hold their attention. Lexa congratulated them but did still threaten to throw Bellamy off of a building and stab him repeatedly if he ever did anything like he did on Christmas ever again. Bellamy just told her that he was just about to ask her if she would do that for him since “anyone and everyone who ever hurts Murphy deserves a fate worse than death” and that “he needs to be held accountable.” Lexa agreed and let her eyes wander to their intertwined fingers with a smirk and remembered why she’d agreed to the stupid plan in the first place. 

“Where on Earth did you find the money to buy this ring?” Murphy wondered, holding it up to look at how it glistened in the light. 

“I was just about to ask the same thing,” Lexa said, taking a bite out of a cracker from yet another charcuterie board. 

“Is it real?” Raven asked. 

“Oh, it’s real,” Aurora said, walking up to where the group was sitting on a couch in one of the less populated rooms. 

Octavia’s eyes darted from the ring back to her mother and back to the ring. “Is that?”

“The ring was my mother’s and she gave it to Bellamy in her will. I was holding onto it for him until he found somebody who he was ready to marry,” Aurora said. “I’ll admit that never pictured that person being Murphy-” she paused, looking at his flamboyant appearance, “-but I can tell that you make my son very happy, and that’s what’s important.”

“Thank you so much Aurora,” Murphy said, looking down at the ring again. “It’s beautiful.”

“It matches your makeup too,” Aurora said looking at Murphy’s glittered skin. 

Murphy winced at her comment. “I thought I was being taken to a college New Year’s Eve party,” Murphy explained. “I wouldn’t have worn this if I knew I was coming here.”

“No it’s uh- it’s vibrant,” Aurora explained, “very bold and brave. Bellamy could learn a lot from you.”

“Excuse me?” Bellamy scoffed in mock offense. Octavia elbowed her brother with a smile. “She is right though,” Bellamy said softly against Murphy’s hair. “You look breathtaking.”

“So do you,” Murphy said back, “not as good as me but-”

“-Okay we get it, lovebirds save the romance for the wedding,” Octavia joked. “Ball drops in one minute and if I don’t have champagne in my hand by then we’re going to have a problem.”

“I second that,” Murphy said, following Octavia into the other room where Times Square could be seen on the television. 

As everyone stood and watched the ball drop in dimmed lighting, Murphy and Bellamy couldn’t have felt any luckier. When the clock hit midnight Bellamy and Murphy kissed once again followed by Clarke and Raven and plenty of other couples in the room. Murphy even thought he saw Lexa and Octavia kissing in the corner but he paid no real attention to anybody else that wasn’t his fiance standing in front of him. 

After all of the guests were long gone and their friends were passed out in varying places around the house, Bellamy dragged Murphy outside for a snowball fight. It was still violently snowing outside but Bellamy just felt compelled to do so. It was one of the few things he did in life that he knew he would never get tired of, and not just the snowball fights, Murphy too.

Eventually, they made their way back indoors, giggling and soaking wet with snow. Everyone was still asleep and the house with dead quiet but Bellamy and Murphy had never felt more alive. 

“I’m so excited,” Murphy whispered, his forehead pressed against Bellamy’s. 

“What for?” Bellamy asked with a smile. 

Murphy took a moment to let his mind wander to think of his friends, new and old, as well as looking to his right see the snow falling through windows and Christmas lights twinkling on neighbors’ houses in the distance. Though the snow continued to fall heavily outside, no storm was brewing inside either of two. The storm had officially passed and for now, all was pleasant and sickeningly sweet. 

“To spend the rest of eternity with you,” Murphy said and kissed Bellamy deeply. 


End file.
